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Everywhere is Like This
September 11, 2022 • 16.29

Just parked somewhere so I could write. Mephistopheles of Los Angeles. Smells like urine here. Everywhere smells like urine now, even in the suburbs. People don't know how badly we're being fucked over. It's disgusting to see this place decay. The County's getting more woke though so thats good. Some old person in a mask. Stop suffocating yourselves for them.

I was going through my photos, still trying to clear redundant things from my pod. Seeing notes from work and accompanying images made my face feel so heavy. That must be how frowning works. I mentioned the feeling to my friend, and that I never said a lot about how bad it got. I don't feel like she'd care and if she does care it's going to manifest as telling me that it's my fault. I just want to talk to someone who doesn't make me feel like they did. But that shelter is blown away. She didn't seem interested so neither was I.

I wasn't happy when I got in the car, and then my drink sprayed everywhere. Then a bunch of involuntary statements. I hate it here. I hate myself. I don't want to be alive. I know i screwed up. I was supposed to do things differently well I fucking didnt ok. So I guess I'm just supposed to die. I'm tired of this place. I'm sick of being alive. I'm sick of waking up every day and I'm sick of trying. Things I don't think about. I threw the cleaning wipes cylinder against the floor, just like I threw the phone when I don't even know what she said but she said something.

I tried not to make it worse but no matter what it gets worse and it always comes out wrong. Things that would have come out earlier, less violently, over time by talking to my friend. But I compared my latest conversations with her to ones from a year ago and I no longer just talk. I measure everything out. It sucks. It's like when I tried not responding to every message from my mom and eventually it became so habitual that I ignore her for too long. No part of me seems to work right and I wish someone liked that about me.

i normally try to figure out what to do. lately i've been wanting to continue making my friend's package. its almost done. but i think i'm going to organize the car. everything is becoming a mess around me. the past year or more. messier and messier. so i figure if i treat organization like the gift or looking for work or something, that all those things will be less painful. I feel like I can't do more than one thing.

its hard to be so habitual and pathological and get advice from her now. her advice used to make me feel like i could be myself and still get somewhere. it makes me feel like i'll get nowhere. like anything i've done is nothing. and when i share something now i feel invisible.

i'm aggressive regressive
the past is over
and our past, it seems so pathetic

wrong lyrics but thats how i always heard them

what i mean about advice is
like when i try to fix things
by changing a behavior
that behavior then can be warped into a bad habit or a dependency or something that becomes a negative self defeating thought
And she used to talk to me in a way that it seemed possible to function and make steps that seemed to help. That I could get somewhere with this mind and these pathologies, and I just had to find ways to slot then into life. and if nothing else i had a friend to share everything with, who wanted to hear everything. Believing in that, believing her, because she believed in me, made me stronger, made it easier to do the basics like showering or leaving the house.
and her advice in this new era whatever this is
has shut me down
Her advice has become a litany of negative self defeating thoughts
and she washed her hands of any part in that because thinking too much is my fault. and she has no patience for faults. Not mine.
shes talked about it so maybe thats unfair characterization
but i think anything she said that i took really really fucking badly is just my fault to her, its not like
something to fix or resolve
its just my fault
wrote more than i meant to this time. last time i wrote too little. want to finish that other one sometime

want to talk to my friend like i used to

i hate being here
i hate being alone
i'm tired of waking up
i'm tired of every day