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Days Gone
September 10, 2022 • 24.34

I'm parked in a dark and harsh parking lot, like usual. Sought out a spot near an RV so the cops are less likely to bother me. Unusually, my air conditioner is off. I feel like it needs to be on or I'm suffocating. It didn't used to be that way, but maybe my living conditions for the past few years make me desperate for oxygen. I tried premium gasoline, and my fuel economy spiked way up. But once I sit with the air conditioning running, the positive effects seem to be largely negated, bringing it back to the regular unleaded days. But if it's this high on Premium, it's worth it. I wish I tried it before visiting Sacramento all the time for a girl in 2020. That's all freeway driving and could have saved me soo much.

So I feel a bit more relaxed since leaving the house. Today was somewhat of a failure because I left the house after midnight, the following day. So this is still September 10 for me despite being after midnight on September 11.

The downside of being more relaxed is it's harder to write from my notes. But I'll try. The other downside is becoming sad from the notes. I'll try not to. The upside is that I can attempt to mitigate the most dramatic and embarrassing expressions and come off more neutral or unaffected.

In spite of the failure to leave the house at a normal time, it was kind of for a good reason because I had a tech support issue that relied on using a computer with internet access. Last night I tried transferring my phone data to a new phone and it kept failing. I woke up to another failure. I noticed the storage space was very low despite cleaning up a decent amount. So I was deleting any files I didn't need while the battery was depleting fast. The phone died and wouldn't wake up. Kept hanging on the battery. I tried probably for a few hours to cool it down and continuously restart it and finding cables that actually work with it.

meanwhile, I planned to do a mission in Days Gone after not touching it for a year. I want to keep my video game stuff but listening to JPeterson interview from a few years ago made me reconsider the rest of my time, so I would like to replace the mindless scrolling and things with more practical constructive things, whatever that means.

I'm sick of Apex. The quality of the characters is becoming stunningly bad. Like an ugly FAT chick. Who talks a lot. She talks like she's playing a video game, not in one. Everything is casual and stupid and bloating with her and she talks all the fucking time. I found her revolting on sight but her personality is grotesque to me. Repeating the same lengthy jokes over and over again. Always taking a long time to make any point or punchline, and she's so monotone and worthless. Her name is Vantage. I call her Vantage at Any Size because she is fat and utterly mediocre and disruptive too. The characters in Apex talk a lot more than they have to, and she really underscores that because she's the worst in a line of progressively terrible characters. The good writer is gone, replaced by generic left wing identitarians. The game has always had cool rugged looking vehicles and when they added a driveable vehicle a year or so ago, they didnt use any designs from the great artists who built the game's visual identity; they just made some futuristic piece of shit. The non-functional vehicles since 2019 have been sort of grounded. They looked like unique evolutions of where trucks might go. The driveable one is just some futuristic bright floating piece of shit. I used to think the future was cooler by default but no it's not. New things suck. Old is better. Old endures because it has more to offer. Use new tech to evolve the old and make it better. Don't go in some new direction where everything floats. New sucks. New is more corporate control, less individual freedom. Old is own, New is rent. New is shit and by default, by now, worse.

So I tried Days Gone while I was dealing with the phone.
and I'm tired of writing. but i eventually fixed the issue. maybe i'll add on to this later
i fixed the issue and i felt really proud. and i have a lot of feelings but
my friend didnt care
she didnt say gj like she used to
and i tried saying it was kind of something i felt kind of proud of and she just kept talking about her hair

i said maybe its nothing to be proud of and she talked about her hair some more

which would be nice if she showed me since she has beautiful hair. but she didnt

so i just became sad
i wrote more extensively in my draft
maybe i'll append an edited version when i have the energy

previously i'd ask for more approval but after so many years of being lifted up by her i don't want to drag her down when i'm actually drowning
i have many things to say
maybe add them later. because i couldn't articulate them to her because i'm not trying to tell her that i cant help her if she ever needs help by dragging her down when i need it.

so i just felt hurt by how little it mattered to her hurt that she never responded to the pics i took when i visited her
i felt invisible i feel invisible
i feel like i used to matter
then she told me about how her bf is taking her to italy and
prior to that talking about wanting to kill criminals because they took her bf's stuff

i try to mitigate my feelings because i become so self centered and it makes it hard to communicate and also just makes things painful. and a lot of the time it's just a mood i'm in and i'm kind of warping things onto myself.

so when she talked about people no women want to look at and i saw myself in that, i didnt say anything. i just tried to rationalize that i have some good things. those feelings seem irrational. so i try not to bring them to her. and i don't want her to confirm the bad things.

so when i feel invisible
and then hear about other people
who are not invisible
who are not trapped here
who have mobility
people who are liked and who she likes
how do you respond
i respond bitterly
and then quietly
because i don't want to drag her down while i'm drowning

i hope to add more later because i had some nice thoughts but i wrote too much and then made myself too sad to write more 🐝

Good Bye