Older Previous~Next
August 1, 2022
feeling flatlined again.

just finished my nightly run. supposed to be during the day but i keep procrastinating all day until its night and then its the next day. i don't want to do anything. i'm doing things slowly. on the upside i've been fired. on the downside they timed it in such a way that my paycheck is extremely small

things feel very bad lately i dont know why. maybe i'm just dehydrated. feeling uncomfortable whenever my friend messages me. dont know why. i used to call her my bff, and at some point that felt foolish. figure there was probably something she said or something she didnt say and i didnt notice and i dont want to bug her when she didnt do anything wrong. think i just dont feel good about myself and she isn't saying anything that changes that. wasn't sure why. just feel bad and standoffish and flatlined as far as talking goes like i have nothing to say. and any response i get will just end up hurting me in some roundabout way even if its nothing.

I don't want to do anything just play competitive games. I used to talk to her more when these things become overwhelming.

things seemed clearer after running which is good better than the fog. its foggy outside which is good. clearer in my head

Listening to GOML Live #159, talking about tough guys. Guy on the show used to torture people when he was in a motorcycle gang, and that reminded me of a lot of negative thoughts I have. Thought of how my friend's people are like criminal element and how she made that sound very impressive and admirable, or at least the capacity for violence to be impressive and admirable. It was in my head nonstop throughout the months that I was being set up to be fired, after her teardown of me that made me feel worthless. Then the stripped down worthless version of myself kept comparing myself to the tough guy criminal element. Usually I dont. Or those thoughts are just relegated to background radiation, somewhat there but diminished, based on how things are going. She hasn't given me any sort of attention that suggests theres anything cool about me. April was good for that. So the absence of attention or positive feedback makes me feel very insulted or torn down and she doesnt have to do anything mean. She doesnt have to do anything at all, to make it happen. It's like all the weird demoralizing events of my life, plus her criticisms, plus the kinds of people she seems to admire, identify with, and want to be around, merging with my view of myself and her view of me filtered through my perspective, then an independently operating shadow version of her latches on and rides the shadow of myself, both closing in on the shrinking spotlight I share with all the good left in me, and they're relentlessly confirming the things I assume to be true based on misery level index of the moment. When I think my perspective is unrealistically skewed toward negative, her shadow tells me it's not, that it's real. All running on its own. no human intervention needed. and I feel completely crippled by not having it torn down. I went to her for reassurance for the longest time, but I suppose I still don't want to be vulnerable, don't want to share much, because I don't want to know she knows what's wrong with me when she looks at or talks about what's right with someone else. I don't want to seek assurance and then be panicked about how I looked a few hours later, when hearing about strength and impressiveness. She used to make me feel kind of impressive even though I shared everything. I don't know why. I thought my personality mattered. I thought there was more.

i just ran. i used to think that was a good thing. but like she said back when i was being slow fired that she doesnt notice when i do things that represent progress, it's not really great. it's not really great to run. i'm alone when i run and no one cares. Seems like nothing matters. I felt that I had recovered, but what she said still come backs to me at times like this, from the shadow. maybe that's why i feel so cold. 1:21 AM and no reception