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hey dairy
June 1, 2022

Just had doctor's appointment to follow up regarding workplace injury. I try to be honest with everyone but not necessarily open. I don't like to share much but when I do I try being honest. It came up how my back issue might just mean I should find something more suitable since they expect 4+ hours of active machine usage a day, while not shelling out for new equipment or upkeep, meaning that the equipment is painful to use. I thought I might just be weak bitch—that tends to be what I assume in general—but the new person, hispanic and experienced with concrete and big projects, described bad pain, not the good kind that feels like progress, when he was using the equipment and when he got home. It's funny how when someone else needs an advocate I do what other people always do for me, telling him when he said it's part of the job that it isn't part of the job, that he should try making them happy but not hurt himself for it, because they can get rid of him anytime and he comes first meaning if they fire him he needs to be able to jump to another position rather than being injured. I also told him not to count his bathroom breaks toward his regular break, that he's entitled to bathroom breaks, which my friend told me when I liked telling her everything. All the stuff she told me when I felt demoralized and stuff is stuff I told him. She made it sound like I never listen to her but I think I always did. Maybe I just didn't make enough big moves to make her notice how seriously I took her and always considered her advice, and tried internalizing it, when doing anything. Wish it still felt like that, like I could tell her everything and in the meantime keep becoming a better friend from being very self-centered. But I just feel like any progress I made toward being a better friend was wiped out in my eyes and never noticeable to her.

So I mentioned to the doctor that it isn't worth breaking my back for this job; it's entry level not a career. I mentioned that they time my breaks and I get a lot more attention than other people, and she seemed really sympathetic which was nice because that wasn't my first impression of her. I felt like the sympathy was misplaced. Like I must be doing something wrong that I'm not noticing or I'm so deceptive that I just manipulate stories to make myself come out as virtuous or victimized. I always want someone to care but once they do I feel embarrassed. Like it must be my fault. The way my friend characterized me made it sound like it's my fault more than I let on, and she mentioned all these traits, bad traits about me. And I just kind of felt everything die. Like she wasn't seeing me in a good way and everything I trusted her with was dumped back on me to show how deficient I am. I couldn't take it. I can't take it. It doesnt seem to add up that I'd be so hard on myself while still being paralyzed and shut down after hearing it from her. Maybe I lie to myself and say I'm worse than I believe, or maybe it's that I really do believe all these terrible things about myself, and when she stopped contradicting them I was wracked with insecurities which made me annoying, and when she didn't just contradict the negative self-perception but reinforced it and made every time I think I'm doing something right into wrong or irrelevant, it was like the final blow against whatever positive view I had of myself. Particularly since so much of the good I see in myself came from her, completely. All my self-doubt was kind of alleviated by having one person who seemed to believe in me and see good in me. I broke about a day after she cracked it after years of her making me feel like I'm more than just a shitty employee to some boss I hate. I thought I could be me and still make something better, but she presented a normal life in a way that kind of sickened me. Like talking about how I can have healthy relationships and blah blah blah. I just wanted to be her friend more than anything else not have some normal situation with someone who would never really understand. I just wanted more of her. It just made me feel like she was further away. In healthy relationships and normal life. And if I didn't become healthy and normal she was done. I always kind of felt connected to her in a weird way. I liked how she was different. But maybe she became normal and well adjusted in a way I didn't notice until she was telling me how abnormal and fucked up I am. That felt like loneliness.

So when the doctor seemed sympathetic I made sure to pay service to my friend by saying how I'm poor at communicating with people and I always avoid them so they think I'm always doing something sketchy. Because I can't just ignore her. I could never ignore her but now I can't ignore her when she seems to be in a completely separate world where everything that matters to me is just a distraction to her.

I didn't intend to write about her again I just used to talk to her all the time and since I have nothing to say to her anymore I just think about it all the time. She used to ask me why my self-esteem is so low why I'm always trashing myself. That it's uncommon how lowly I think of myself. It's like everything was reset before she was in my life. Everything good I might think about myself went back to how it was, hating myself. Replacing everything good she ever said about me with the last things she said about me. We haven't talked in two days and I feel like I have no one and nothing good about me anymore. I'm talking to my mom more, but she'll pass away maybe sooner than later. I won't have anyone to talk to, and I can only hate myself for failing at everything and being told that by the person who I liked before and liked more than ever.