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just stop thinking them and they'll stop i know its hard but not really
June 1, 2022
while taking the dog out it occurred to me how persistent these hateful defeated suicidal thoughts have been weighing so heavily on me. i want waking moments where something feels right or comforting but its so rare now. i guess her plan was to fix me by showing how much of a failure i am and showing how meaningless every waking moment is. so i'd be motivated to fix it. maybe in a few years. i either disappear off her radar aside from occasional one liners and she gets to live her life with people she values without being burdened by one she despises more every time i speak, until i fix it then i come back fully formed and ready to be normal. or i just disappear and never come back. i dont plan to kill myself but everything she said set the stage for it.

i was thinking of it more today because when i was at peak distress she had these lines. like she wasn't going to entertain the sick person on Intervention anymore. she was going to show me that my usual whining won't get me anything and now is the time to change. im not sure when that happens. she made me feel like any change is meaningless. and that makes me compare myself to people in her life and then i think about that for a while until i dont. i'm mostly happier when shes gone. not like i want her to be gone. i want her here. most of all. but not in the way she's prepared to be here. just telling me to stop having the thoughts, to look at the hellish work situation as my problem i created, to look back at every shitty relationship and how its my fault. she used to make me feel like i blamed myself too much which i suppose helped hold the tide back, so i blamed myself but she taught me to try forgiving myself too and acknowledging the steps that improve even if they're not mind blowing. she unleashed the tide this time and it all became my fault. oh but she'd tell me that binary thinking i dont think its helping you and it doesnt matter because i'm never sharing anything with her again because shes not safe anymore. feeling closed off from her makes every interaction sickening to me. i dont like to look at her or think of her. i liked to before. just would stare at her and think of how important she was and how we could do cool stuff. that's foreign to me now. shes alien to me. i'm nothing. i've always been nothing. she made me feel less like nothing but its always been there. i got kickstarted today when the tim pool show were talking about how having world views challenged makes people feel physical pain or anguish. reminded me what she said about how if her criticisms are causing me this much upheaval it must mean i'm doing something wrong. or that i dont have any confidence in it so its wrong. i dont really remember. i dont want to remember because no shit i dont believe in myself. people in my life mitigated that but she decided that's not helping so now i fully dont believe in myself. i fully think i'm shit i fully think im supposed to die. its unrealistic to expect anyone to put up with this but i thought i was special enough to find someone who valued me enough to put up with it. but she has her limits and since shes now unlocked other pathways for herself some suicidal idiot whose apologies mean nothing isn't going to register as a fucking event anymore.

it was like she killed my friend in front of me and showed me how nothing was as it seemed. everything that made me happy was made up. i'm as shitty as the times she acted confused by how shitty i think i am.

i thought back. at the intersection. of 2016. how since then i always need noise and distractions. i forgot how much it damaged me to be trapped in my car and not know how to get out. and just try to lose myself in the screen and feel nothing else. over a decade before that i was always on the computer because everything in the house was so contaminated that i felt paralyzed by the discomfort and just wanted to scroll and read and stop being there. stop being in a place where everything made me dirty. i used to think she got that. like she got it and she forgave me for it and she thought it was understandable that i was so wracked by these things. now its just like. making small talk. leaving the conversation because i dont feel anything nice around her anymore. i dont feel like i'm with a friend. i dont feel like anything good will be said if i talk about how messed up i feel. i'll just keep getting hammered about how i need to stop being that. and then i'll compare myself because she doesnt say anything favorable about me anymore. then i'll anger her by comparing. then i'll keep doing it. then i'll come up with an example of why i'm not a total piece of shit. shell correct me. i'll say why its hard. shell say its hard but its still a choice. she'll say i want to be sad or miserable. i won't have anything to say because when you're just in it i dont know how it stops. i took her suggestions for dealing with work i took her prescription suggestions i constantly referred to what she said to keep perspective. i had like a mental book written by her and i thought it was meaningful that i always referred to it. then she burned it. everything that had meaning is gone. everything that made the days ok is gone. i will be gone and she won't notice one day because i'm already gone. i told her to cast a spell on me to make me stop thinking i need to kill myself. i'll unsend it because who cares. she cares about as much as someone can about a wretched being. not about someone they find inspiring or full of potential. she used to say things that made me feel like my moves mattered. that staying upright and keeping a steady job was something. especially after all the fucked up stuff. i think 2016 might have traumatized me. she once knew about that. now its like shes just some guy i tried crying to, calling me weird.