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fundamentally broken
May 31, 2022
managed to catch the managements attention while he was on his way out. wish i hadnt. it got in my head. fucked up my day. made me feel beaten down and angry. i think if i quit i'd just quit more of life instead of finding a place where i dont think about killing myself. i would normally talk to an right now but i'll just feel like an idiot getting a lecture about how i should go somewhere else, followed by how offputting i am and how its at least partially my fault. and i'm not nice. and i have outbursts. she was so quick with every response about how any of my self forgiveness was misguided and why. and shes totally not judging me. it feels like being told by a stranger on reddit how to fix my life. i have a million reasons why its hard and i know its embarrassing to share any of them with someone who doesnt know how hard it is or have a reason to care. i'd rather not say anything to strangers.
i tried mashing the last paragraph here but it doesnt fit so i'll just put it last.
and any of the self confidence i'd use to find somewhere better was mashed into nothing by her top down analysis of how im useless. i want one place where im loved or liked. i felt like that with her even though she never said it. i just had to think maybe its possible and look at the nice interactions we had and how much she listened to me and try to return a fraction of that even though its hard to help anyone by looking beyond my own issues. really tried to return something to her even if it was just stupid trinkets. but that trying was written off as not enough for how much i freak out and get insecure and demand the right answers. i'm so fucked up even trying is just another source of irritation. because trying cant be enough next to how easily i fall into mistakes. i may as well have never said sorry or reflected on anything i did to her because it was all just a punctuation mark at the end of a long history of meaning in my eyes and failure in hers

i cant say anything to her anymore because she transformed into a stranger when sharing anything made me feel like i was talking to one. and then i softened up and shared a little bit and immediately regretted it when she responded, and then i shut down for real. it was no longer about making a point. I don't know think she'll miss me. i dont think she'll say oh man i miss iiv dot dairyland. i miss all the attention and approval seeking. think she'll just be glad i'm gone, which is hard to take any time i talk to her. its kind of easier if i just accept she doesnt approve of me she doesnt like me she doesnt think i'm good at anything she cant recognize if i accomplish anything and it wouldn't matter to her even if she could because shes concerned with real people with real progress. forcing myself to get out to go running or drink water or put on a smile is nothing to anyone but me. makes sense for me to turn away the last person who i felt connected to, who i always wanted to know and ultimately give her back whatever she needs, pick up everything that falls down, but i just kept falling and falling to the point that no one can even feel bad for me because i'm falling so far i just drag them down. i'm hated at work being hated by her would be more than i think she can actually feel now