So I was continuing to think from yesterday, about discipline because there's a call to HR I am mildly nervous about making. It's manageable but easier not to do it. So I think that would be considered an act of discipline. I also have a call to make to insurance about worker's comp. I would prefer to do neither of them. But I'll do at least one today if they're still open. okay so. in the shower I was thinking about how most of my activities are indulgent. I also have orderly activities like illustration or reading, but I'm still looking for the indulgent payload with those and I often find it. So I think the third category is a good way to get through the things I dislike and would prefer not to do. I expect that items in these categories will remain difficult, but I think understanding these these "disciplined" activities are more difficult gives me more of an idea of how to fit them in, realizing after one of them I might just be done for the day because it used up all my discipline energy. However, I think going through one task can also recharge that energy and enable further ones. Either way, I think I'll try to fit more of these activities in. Part of it disgusts me, like I always rebel when someone says I HAVE to do something. It makes me mad like I don't have to do SHIT. But I'm trying not to think of it in tyrannical terms. That is one factor that made me completely shut down around An. Feeling like any system like this would be torn down and belittled if I told her about it because I'm still trying to game the system instead of just feeling tortured and enduring through the torture, accomplishing more than ever by virtue of choosing not to stop while feeling tortured. I'm still trying to manage this feeling and make tasks manageable rather than trying to bypass the shitty feelings of feeling embarrassed by my friend and demoralized by the tasks and doing them anyway. I still want to try not to feel shitty as much if I can. Which is why I'm not talking to her about this. or anything. Anything that is hard for me now is just a reminder of her and how she views other people versus how she sees me. I think it's kind of a good way to divide tasks. In the past I would have been happy to share that with her. Now I expect it to be cut down and I should stop thinking about it before I make another duplicate depression entry from the past week.

So I have it divided now along the lines of indulgence, order, discipline. I have more energy for orderly activities because they can be indulgent and are generally not actively stressful, and can be rewarding quickly. This includes running, drawing, reading instead of scrolling. I also have included looking for jobs or making my case to sue this place under that category, but those might be closer to discipline, at least in terms of the subject matters they cover. Discipline is harder, and my expectations are currently that it will occupy a small part of the day but will be looking for activities that occupy that slot rather than waiting for them to become more manageable, less stressful. This includes two phone calls presently. Discipline includes Order, but Order doesnt necessarily include Discipline, so I'll be making an effort to include more Discipline tasks, while largely remaining unmoved on the other activities, though I think Indulgence is good to track because it lets me know when I'm acting totally compulsively by doing one Indulgence after another, so I can cut out some of that and try focusing more on one Indulgence rather than rapidly switching between them in a frenzied cycle. This should also help with appreciation and staying more attentive, engaged with the environment around me.

17:33 I mean technically any form of order requires a degree of discipline. It's not like a strict rule. I just think it's a useful way to describe the spectrum of activities. Also there can be an Indulgent component to a Discipline task but it's not the aim and it's not the expectation. However a reward can be found in a different place, rather than the task itself, the Indulgent thing can be found in facing down something i dislike and working through it, but there is no guarantee of that, so the aim should be using what courage or discipline I have and overcoming the tasks and, potentially but not necessarily, build up the ability and become braver. I suppose they can all be defined relative to the Overcome factor. To indulge, I have to overcome a generalized anxiety but Indulgence works as an antidote to anxiety so Indulgence is easiest. Order is constructive but I generally only have to overcome the compulsion to avoid anything constructive and default to habitual, but orderly tasks are generally accomplishable on a weekly basis as long as I get out of the house. The Discipline tasks can be avoided entirely and come at a great cost but the cost of going through them is disturbing enough to make me avoid them entirely, even if avoiding them results in a harder experience for me. Letting the bad things accumulate seems more manageable than building up Discipline. Generally I also hate whatever a Discipline tasks involves. So work-related, money-related, or just managing a situation where I feel wronged or can potentially resolve being wronged all create hurdles that make it appear easier and less disgusting to tune out the task altogether. So for Discipline tasks, I have to overcome all the beginning barriers that make basic tasks, even indulgent ones, difficult, the barriers that slow down and delay basic Order activities, and finally accomplish the Discipline activity in spite of my disgust or dread. I will consider that a substantial part of my activities for the day because I think I have to. I'm probably thinking of Apex too much since I played the mobile version for the first time last night and really liked it but I'm visualizing like the shield/health system. Kind of. Let's see. Shield Cell rapidly recharges one shield slot, Shield Battery recharges all slots and takes longer, and shields are the first layer of defense when attacked. Syringe quickly replenishes some health, Med Kit replenishes all health and takes longer; health is the next layer and much less robust once shields are broken. Ultimate Accelerant counts toward something else entirely: the character's ultimate ability, and even after using the Ultimate Accelerant, the ability is not fully charged when starting at 0%.

Ok so
thinking in terms of the different ways different tools count toward percentages is kind of like how I think of these activities. But maybe I can be more precise. ok so. Health applies to indulgent activities. It feels good to shoot up and it's the closest layer to me. Beyond that is shields, the Order layer, these feel good when I make myself do them but require more effort. Not as intimate as shooting up, not as satisfying at the start. But becomes satisfying when it combines with health. The final layer, Discipline/Ultimate, is like my ability to engage against enemies and defend myself in a non-passive way, and even using two Ultimate Accelerants won't necessarily bring it up to 100% and I may need more resources to make it happen. When I execute, I may need time to bring it up but have to keep an eye on my levels and be deliberate about it, because it's easier to fall into Order and Indulgent activities, but Discipline requires more attention and engaging with things that I'm less practiced in. Which means I may not see a reward or a way to make the experience good but that it needs to fit into my abilities somewhere, even if it's less frequent, and it may make further executions more easy and reduce stress. So maybe the goal to look at is stress, how executing is a way to make other things easier. As a way to build incentive into an activity that may seem to have no reward. The reward is in an entirely different location than with the other ones so I have to reorient my perspective in a direction I typically look past, as a way to find incentive that normally seems absent, thereby making non-indulgent non-order activities seem empty and depressing. The reward is in a different place, so should probably look around in unfamiliar places when facing a Discipline task, while not necessarily expecting a reward. Have to be okay with possibly getting a reward or not. It's also important to track when Discipline activities are accomplished because they tend to seem less important once accomplished. Important to track how perspective changes.