Typically I don't resist much. I just do things. But today I was thinking in binary, which she says doesnt help me, but it kind of helped me articulate a difference in modes that relLy struck me later when a cop came up to my car while I was parked in a dark lot absentmindedly touching my crotch. That situation didn't go as badly as it sounds, but throughout the evening I was thinking about my activities in terms of self-indulgent vs disciplined. I really don't mind thinking in those terms, I just hate an outsider thinking of me in those terms. I love self-indulgence, but if I can catalog my behaviors in these ways, maybe I can figure out why I'm distracted when I try to be disciplined. Or how to stop feeling so anxious for unknown reasons when I'm driving and can't find anything to listen to. I think maybe Gavin Mcinnes for me thinking in those terms even though I hate how much he insults people who like stuff I do. Like Apex Legends Mobile video game. But at least it gives me a vocabulary. I've been hearing him use that term for years but it rotated and fit itself into my thoughts today.

One concern I have is that I don't know if I arrived at this point intuitively, assuming it's actually a good point, or if I did because of An. Which irritates me because her doing what she thinks is best for me fucked me up so badly that I feel like a stranger is approaching me when she talks about internet drama. I just keep thinking you're not me, you're not a safe person to talk to, you have relationships with people, and then you talk to me, and even though you say you don't judge, your perception of me is so low that you may as well hate me. I used to think she saw me as someone with potential, which I guess is part of the problem for her. That I could do more. But I thought every thing I did was recognizable to her, when I fell back and rebounded I thought that she could see that I was keeping it going, not giving up, not succumbing to the pressure to merely die, becoming smarter in some ways, that I was closest to her, that we were the same in some ways. I don't feel that way. It makes me vaguely sad to think that all my paranoid thoughts when she seemed gone and insisted she wasn't were really her being gone. Not in a way that she recognized but she wasn't as she was. She indulged me before. It made me feel special. Made me feel like even if I negatively compare myself to other people, she still saw me in this light that made it okay, that allowed me to turn away from the shadows in this life, that no matter how much the people at work were sickened by me, she wasn't. And she wanted to talk to me when I came home. I loved wrapping myself in her totally. I liked paypigging her because I began to comprehend her significance to me, which made me more indulgent. Made me want to indulge more in her, like a squirrel in her hair. I bought her a Taco Bell wardrobe just out of this intense excitement for finding my friend and being more excited to understand her and be able to speak openly with one person in the world. But I said too much and with this intensity came mood swings. And I thought because she entertained my fixations, that I couldn't fail, that I couldn't overshare or make her uncomfortable. I would overcome my anxieties that normally made me shut up around other people for fear of freaking them out or disgusting them, but she knows everything about me so I don't think I can freak her out, but she stopped entertaining, and I didn't realize she had stopped, so I kept wanting to be entertained, and then I was shut out of everything. Because even though she says I'm not compared to those other people, my indulgence made her recoil, and I lost any ability to cope with comparing myself because she stopped treating me in this distinct important way, and I just felt like I was an idiot who shared too much on a date with someone they'd just met.

And what I got out of wanting too much, wanting too much approval, wanting to be spoken to in a way that made everything feel awesome, was a commentary about my failures. At work I got a written warning that I am failing to perform my duties, the precursor to my inevitable firing. From her, the refuge from alienation and paranoia, after opening my dairy up to her when she said she thinks I should, I heard the worst things about me because they came from the person who didn't seem to think those things, who I thought I shared my life with even though we're far away, who I thought was as close to being inside me as a person could be. Everything I could write her and everything I ever said to her became something that could hurt me, when repeated back to me. Every cruel thing that made my weekends hellish, that made me hate going back to work, that made me want to turn to her, was all being propped up by her. I feel such disgust by work that I stopped wanting to look at photos from there. I stopped wanting to take photos there. I wash my hands more than ever. I never want to touch anything there. I have a visceral disgust reflex to it, like it's filth being poured over me and I want to scramble as far way from anything associated with that place. That's OCD. probably. this thing that i can overcome she says. this choice. this thing that is just pushed by the pedos. So that's meaningless too. But to me it isn't meaningless and it is not just a choice I make and I don't choose to align her emotionally with everything that makes me sick about work, but all those sick disgust feelings ran into my feelings about her. And I think of how she probably views it when I talk about feelings, feeling this way, how weak and unimpressive I must sound for talking about feelings. Then there became no one to look forward to anymore. No one who excited me every time I heard back from her. Just reminders about this disgust and any small talk is just more reminders, more disgust and alienation, like everything is collapsing on me whereas I once had one friend that kept it from feeling like too much. Now it feels like too much

That was quite a diversion but the point is I hope that all of this shit wasn't really the reason for that revelation. I don't want that to be the reason because I don't think it's worth the cost. I think it's a point I could have thought about without feeling like I have nothing to say to someone who I spoke endlessly with. And the diversion goes on:

I felt especially ditched by her. When I snapped back at a manager after she encouraged me to say something, to not let myself be disrespected, so that I'm not beneath the other people in her life. She didn't say that last part but she didn't have to. She was making me sound weak and pathetic for not speaking up. But when I did it came out wrong, sounding more aggressive than I wanted it to. But I felt good about trying because she said these people aren't important, that they're good practice. And then later said how I didn't listen to her, how nothing gets better with what she's been trying so far, that she has to make me hate her by throwing my shit back in my face. It was like I was pushed into a fight by someone who said they'd provide backup, and when I was emboldened by this support, they locked the cage without saying anything, and when I looked to them, said if I wasn't going to listen to them then I'm on my own. Now when I confront the managers, I am on my own because everything she says now makes me feel like a freak in a world of people unlucky to have to deal with me. feel feel feel

at least i can feel now. i feel alone. no one to disgust with all the feelings

sorry to turn psychotic and rambling. that is merely a very long side quest. this a positive entry. i think differentiating in those terms at the very least can help me keep track of how much i'm indulging and remove one indulgence while like whatever tick i'm exhibiting while exhibiting others. just a time keeping mechanism really