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micro hell
May 22, 2022
First day at work since my hours were cut. Man it's in disarray. Maybe I just get accused of doing nothing because they dont give a shit about anything I actually do.

I had a nice moment helping a visitor out, followed by advising another and I felt really good about that, thought about how I like helping people. Then I thought about how my friend changed her advising to me, and how she said she doesn't even register that I've accomplished anything when i've told her about something I felt good about. In the past maybe I would have told her about this. Feeling good about helpin out. But the way my thoughts kept repeating. About what she said. And in my head she had a response for everything. She decided I wasn't doing well enough so the best way would be to say things differently. So far it's just made me feel sick and nauseous and spawned a bunch of persistent negative thoughts. And to that she'd say it's just my choice. And that it's just a diagnosis by an industry that messes kids up. And then, because I was repeatedly thinking about how the thing I did wouldn't register as anything to her, I thought of what would and thought I'm supposed to save lives I'm supposed to be important and I began comparing myself to her bf and how he did things to help people that mattered more and how little she regarded when I shared things about my life that seemed positive or productive and how it's nothing to her and I just kept repeating repeating repeating comparing comparing comparing and I thought of how she would say that she doesnt compare me and I thought that really doesnt matter because the result is positive judgment of other people and what they accomplish and nothing registers with what I accomplish. Prior to that, I thought of how she said I'm not nice and how I have outbursts, which made me feel disgusting. Each time I talked to someone this morning I was hyper aware of this and thought of how badly I come across, and how I probably come off bad when I think I'm being compassionate, how I think I'm helping but it doesn't matter to a third party, and most of all it doesn't matter to her, which I care about most, and comparing myself to people in her life made me nauseous, extremities freeze up, and i thought about her response to telling her I was having that response to what she was telling me is just that it sounds like I always feel that way. And the more upset I got the more she said its gotta get worse before it gets better.

Maybe that's true. But that also means closing her off which I never wanted to do. I dont want her to know anything about my life because everything she said about it undercut everything about it. I don't know how to not compare myself regardless of how much she says it's not a comparison. Because she says good things about other people, she chooses to spend her life with other people, and she chooses to help me by planting ideas that grow into swarms that pick away at me until I want nothing other than to stop feeling anything, to stop being, and tell me now figure it out. Without me because i'll be here but only to find new ways to tell you youre nothing and embarrass you until you figure out how to stop feeling like nothing and stop being embarrassed. And its my fault for seeing it that way and she'll keep holding a mirror up to me until i'm so demoralized that I choose to become motivated to stop being demoralized.

hate how the thoughts took over. they started our nice and just kept getting worse and worse. and thats just learned and i should stop feeling that way because its not her job to pull me out of it shes just pushing me down deeper I guess because if someone is demoralized and focuses on micro tasks because daily life became too painful, you tell them all the ways they fall short so they can fix them and never feel comfortable talking to you again because the tasks become hellish when you are shown how they dont matter and you dont matter even if she says she doesnt think that. just tells me all the ways i'm not shit and then tells me to stop comparing myself to the people she actually values. nothing i do matters now.