May 21, 2022
Woke up feeling like theres no one to talk to.
an decided the only way to help me at this point is to stop being a confidant and instead give decisive advice which translated to feeling like i was plummeting far below her and into a puddle of shit. questioning any positive thing i ever felt or any positive interaction i've ever had, questioning my ability to process any information or understand when somebody is malicious and when i'm just such a freak that i naturally make people treat me as such. Eventually, hours later, she kind of clarified. But then was talking about her other life and how she won't tell me things because she doesn't want me taking things the wrong way. Felt like I didn't know her anymore. Anything casual I brought up with her is now a potential path for her to tell me how I'm fucking up, any bad feeling I share is going to be about how I'm fucking up, and she's going to hide things from me and manage my responses because I'm an invading force and she's someone I don't know. Her life is with other people.
When I was chilling at the end of the day I just imagined how she'd tell me I'm chilling too much or just should be doing this. I've tried blocking out blocks of time to do things I need to do but I'm also hopeless about making things better so any attempt at making anything better is a small unit of activity. I don't know if that's wrong. I don't want to hear about how it's wrong. Don't want to be told I'm wrong for telling her about random chicks I'd like to f, and how I should change how I think. Don't want to be told that when I'm not spreading one of those activity units across the entire day, week, month, year how I'm fucking up. I feel like every time I shared anything casual it was being processed in her mind as wrong. Like talking about how I did something like playing Red Dead with Baxter and how that was fun, well that was fun but it didn't stop the things that make my life hard so why was I doing anything fun when I should be doing this.
She kind of clarified in a way that made it sound less harsh but I woke up this morning feeling like there's no one to talk to anymore. Like she just has her real life and important people she loves and she just wants me to stop being such a loser and she'll try to get me to stop being a loser but won't ever see me as equal or a part of her life like other people are. She says she doesn't judge me or compare me to people but it made me feel very fucked up and alienated. Like she isn't my friend she has more important people who are already fully formed and she has to hide details of that from me like I'm a child and they're adults having meaningful relationships and my friend isn't my friend because no one is so why would I expect to have someone I can talk about a$$ or entertainment with. I need to be in isolation until I'm fully formed so she can treat me like an equal. And she wrote off my OCD shit as just a product of an industry that turns kids trans. So that closed off that door to talk about anymore. Like if she says anything that happens to get repeated in my head a lot and becomes a source of discomfort and I'd like it explained or said in a way that doesn't create that issue, I just have to deal with it instead of even telling her this is happening. Because this phenomenon is just a product of a sick world to her, and if I just want it to stop I can make it stop. Which means she can't hear about it because anything like that is just bullshit behavior I'm indulging. Can't tell her about when I get burgers or anything because she'll tell me to stop indulging. Can't share anything fun or sad. I feel like she's been this secret person I can't know about until she decides it needs to be employed to change me. So I'm embarrassed about sharing with her about being horny because that's m not the right feeling, about gaming because other things in my life are bad and gaming isn't stopping the other things, about drawing because drawing isn't getting rid of the other things, about being sad because it's because I haven't stopped the other things and it's my fault, about feeling alienated because I never listen to her and it's my fault I'm alone, about anything I do to improve because it's not enough I should have done more, about OCD symptoms because the industry breaks kids and I'm just indulging in their lies when thoughts repeat in my head, about somebody treating me like shit because I probably did something to warrant them treating me like shit, about chicks I'd like to get into because that's just indulgent should find a job, about not feeling like there's jobs I can do because that's some problem with how I see things. So there's a solution for everything so talking about anything is pointless and I don't know her. She'll be in her life while I'm outside of it until I stop everything and become someone else. So far that just means I stop. Life is the same and I'm one less friend.