May 23, 2022
I stayed until midnight, two hours past bed time, to clean part of the fridge my mom keeps putting food on even though it's the one part I didn't clean out when I worked on it so it's just disgusting.
I finally took the puppy out for a short walk. Before that it was manageable becuse the points of contact weren't everywhere yet. She put her paws on my shorts so I figured I could wear those in the shower and wipe them with soap. But when I got the leash she kept fucking jumping on me. Getting her paws all over my arms, sweatshirt, shorts, socks, sandals. Filthy within the made up diagnosis of OCD because she is always around my mother touching everything. Filthy in terms of literal feces and urine. And my mind is trying to find ways to be clean, and have clothes to wear tomorrow because I don't have many clean clothes anymore and I don't know when I can wash these or what to wear. As I walked her I thought bitterly of how I'm restricted from using the washer and dryer, how my friend says to just use a laundromat, and how stupid it felt to be told that, and how if I was normal, if I didn't have abnormal rules tailored to me, I could use the wash tomorrow. Wash my work pants, shirts, and all that, with my own detergents and things, and add my sweatshirt and shorts and have everything clean by the end of the day. Bitterly thought of the hate in their faces when they look at me. The threat to unplug the machine for not following the rules they made just for me. How my friend said how I dont do enough and how nothing's getting better, how horribly uncomfortable I feel after wiping down a drawer and walking a dog. How beaten down and how much I want to self-annihilate. And I'm supposed to do harder things every day or be an utter failure to everyone. And to want nothing but to stop feeling this, stop trying so hard, because these small tasks that seem manageable snowball into such tension, disturbance, bristling, anger. And I just want to never try again because trying anything is so meaningless and so hard.