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Broken Pattern
September 27, 2021
Went out on the Bay with manager again. I feel so stupid working with him. I hoped we wouldn't end up having to do any work out there, not because of the work necessarily, but more figuring it out while someone who thinks I'm an idiot is overseeing the process. Forgot to pull the fenders in while leaving.

Thought of her again, being on her side of the bridge, the way out of here, wishing I could be on the water with her, free, without overseers. But she would probably complain and dash my escapist fantasy on the rocks.

Water shimmered with sunlight flickering brightly among the waves. A staircase framed by brutal and hard edges and gray and rust on the side of the San Mateo Bridge, something you couldn't see from the road. I wanted to photograph it but didn't want to ask stupid questions.

Forgot to put the fenders out while returning.

After that, went to help some people on their yacht, to learn some things I sort of know but have no confidence in. Didn't want to talk to the yacht couple, and was telling manager in some imaginary conversation that I have nothing in common with these people, that I'm almost homeless, from another world, a subcategory, so I just listened.

The yacht woman said masks and the vaccine are dumb and gay, which manager kind of ignored. I was interested in her then. Felt like I could talk to her. When I was a kid I thought I could only relate to goth people, but now it's obvious when mediocre people mimic the fashion of a broken mind and spirit and sometimes they just go on to break others. Or sometimes there's just nothing there for me. Now I like people who break patterns, and they dress all sorts of ways. Authenticity makes me interested. That's what I look for online anyway, I don't often meet or talk to people.

She said she'd like to move to Texas which manager seemed to think was dumb and gay. She didn't feel safe here anymore, he said it's not that bad. She said Austin is being destroyed. In my head, I said it sounded like they're creating another California.

As I trailed behind him to the office, I said I didn't realize how bad Austin had gotten. He responded, "She's jaded." I guess Jaded is my official party affiliation.