Having a rough time today.

Good start. Listening to DrDisRespect. Protein shake and coffee. Practicing kicks. Picked up fast food breakfast burrito. Friend sending more anxiety and fear porn. Thinking of her on my way to get fuel. It gets harder and harder. iPhone keeps reminding me that it's been a full year now and I would still feel like she's cheating on me if she's with anyone else. And the more time passes the more possibilities I imagine.

Woman with nice voice singing and jumping around while pumping her gas. I should have given her a thumbs up, but i just kept checking and double checking my notes about today's fueling. I like people who are wildly inappropriate.

On my way to Fort Miley, I change to a fear and anxiety livestream, because I just keep thinking about the girl again. I hear more about their federal hands tightening around our throats. New York's unelected governor declaring it a state of emergency so she can punish the people she's supposed to lead. Newsom, who surely cheated to win, requiring fucking children to be injected to go to school. They should be ashamed about their moves to turn the one somewhat free country into a third world shithole. They can't just leave it alone. They can't stand a plot of land that people run without being constantly violated by restless bureaucrats. Sick people who impose their sickness on everyone, who conquer by destroying the land they take. Devaluing everyone who makes the land worth taking, benevolently opening the borders so that, eventually, everyone scrambling over from Haiti will just end up in an America-shaped version of Haiti, where the price of benevolence has inflated so high that no immigrant has any use for it anymore. So that the bureaucrats will have nothing to entice anyone with, and eventually only be capable of inflicting more pain on anyone who doesn't want to join their rotting hollowed out club house.

I feel nervous every day about what they'll do and disturbed thinking of what the next generation will do after growing up in a regime of pressure and snitching. I feel morally wrong complying with anything after they, big tech, the news agencies, lied constantly and have never atoned for shit, have never corrected it, have never presented a way for us to comply without feeling like we are sacrificing our souls to false idols, carnal beings, weak men and women. I feel cheated by this world and all who cheer it on. I don't want to be a slave. Tell me again about how Trump overfed some fish.

I'm just trying to get a paycheck, pay my bills, clean up after my mom, and take care of the dog, and they would take even that away.

I wish I had someone to live through this with.

Going to run. Try to feel stronger than I've been for the past couple of hours.