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July 21, 2021

Exciting day to have my vehicle's recall performed. Irritated that a groundskeeper or security looks like he's watching me journal, and draw too, if I'm not removed. Years ago I was in this place at night with losers for World Goth Day and had the cops called on me. I still believed in rights back then so I tried to exit the premises figuring the hyper aggressive security would understand they don't have a right to legally detain me, and he grabbed me and screamed in my face. When the cops showed up, I gave them ID and told them he touched me. haha. Anyway I got out without having my neck broken.
But that isn't why I'm here. At the exit of the dealership I had two paths: into Target or to the cemetery. Target seemed like the obvious choice. Closer and there's immediately something to look at or buy, and the idea of romance and mysticism is kind of dead to me so a walk for the sake of beauty seems pointless. I see demonry but not much past it. I am in the grips of nihilism. I chose the goth path in spite of this.

The walk to the cemetery reminded me of why I could stay engaged with the world around me before I had a cell phone. Everything interests me, grass overgrowth manhole covers a cell tower phone lines and a grey sky. I found a tiny sidewalk next to the mausoleum with WELCOME punched into the cement, painted brick. I suppose things interest me but doing anything with the goal of being interested is challenging. Why work on music when I can look at and devour something that is already there. Why make anything. It won't be as good because it isn't complete. There are complete things already, and I can eat them immediately.

Even though I chose the path of rejecting the new demon world of owning nothing, I streamed some things. Tommy Sotomayor sang too much so I listened to DrDisRespect, through the gates I shut it all down because once you are in a cemetery, voices sound like an invasion. Fade to Grey on repeat.

I am very excited about getting the car serviced because an oil change is included, normally over $100 but not the first two. And he'll include a tire rotation too, just for fun. I asked if the service updates can be downloaded from home but they have to use proprietary tech from the corporation. The right to repair movement sounds boring in theory but it's kind of like a nightmare to think of how much things will degrade for us if it doesn't succeed. And could you imagine how it will be if any of these companies collapse and civilization just fails and they can't get bailed out. It would be so bad to live in a societal collapse and have your resources become worthless because they can't connect to the corporate server. Cars as service. I think that's less likely than an enhanced version of a social credit score. Like I'm kept on a watchlist for paying for access to the website of an untouchable, the NSA provides my voice fingerprint to identify any instance of me speaking in a video on YouTube, Google, Amazon, Apple share any occurences of the voiceprint in their file services to determine that I'm problematic, they share how many times I've listened to track #15 of Smells like Children and then I'm on timeout for getting the service provided and I'm fined for not paying in time and imprisoned because access to payment services was shut down. I wish I was important enough to worry about that today but if it happens to me, it will be in a wave of wiping out a ton of other anonymouses. I kind of expect that within a few years, the word "insurrectionist" will be heavily used against people who never even attended a protest, peaceful or otherwise. It's odd because I always figured if they wanted to, the technology companies and government could stop so many cases of sexual abuse or murder, sifting through every photo as it's taken. But doing that would destroy our minds, potentially make us more destructive, take away a fundamental part of our humanity. But oh actually it's fine to splay all our private moments and pick them apart if it stops hate speech. Like going to war with an emotion won't wreck our brains.

I don't really like the part of me that goes off on this and I don't think I can see enough of the picture to say anything too great. It's just on my mind and I don't know. Maybe it's an immutable characteristic so no one should bother me about it.

Now that I've gotten over the terror of a call from an unknown number I mostly feel relief that I will probably get more hours. I want to pay off my credit card bill so badly, and buy some stupid shit too. Maybe I can sell things too. If I get medicated. Sell some cool things and avoid getting injected for some "job".