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December 25, 2014

i need to go get a red bull or something.
but i just am so frustrated by my position right now i want to write somewhere before i do anything else
i feel so fatigued by this job i'm at and my dr wont refill my rx so if i apply to another job i risk being rejected for a drug test because i still take my mother's when it gets bad enough which is always.
i hate working at this place that frustrates and humiliates me to a point that i get angry at people who want their stupid drinks stirred because can't they see it's christmas eve and i am closing right now and i have no time left because the company is so strict on overtime and will post notices about people who are overtime and call them into the office and scare them and watch us on the cameras and i have been the only person working the past four hours because it would cost too much to send someone to help on one of the busiest days of the year.
today i haven't taken any pills. i've just been in bed. i've slept so much today. i've missed going out because i have been exhausted. i woke up exhausted this morning, went back to bed exhausted, woke up again exhausted this morning, went back to bed exhausted, woke up again exhausted.
i have been eating so much fast food because there is no future for me. at popeyes last night i wondered why the employees didnt look like they wanted to kill themselves, and i realized they actually have a team, they aren't just left alone.

i hate being alone.

so i'm going to try to get a red bull and go running. and i might do it on pills. and i need to hold onto my old bottles which hopefully won't be too old by the time i get to another job.

tonight i go out.

i hope that if anyone reads this, they see that other people are people, that if they're alone and working and it's the end of the day, and they are probably on the verge of crying or just bashing their head into the counter and i dont know. feel sorry for me. it's ok too. leave a tip on the counter even when i tell you can't take them.
i guess i wonder if i'm not doing the same thing. like not seeing people as people. like when that last person made me so mad for having a request about her drink it's because i was so wrapped up in how i felt and it's fair i felt that way but maybe not fair when i get short with people. or maybe it's totally fair and they're fucking assholes. the people who never say thank you, who never say anything to me except when they need something corrected, and then leave their trash on the counter they can die i dont care. there was someone like that yesterday and it made me so upset i just spent the duration of the day angry.

sometimes people come and they smile or are funny and it makes me feel so much better and it makes me wish i could be that person for other people, but i don't think i can be