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February 19, 2015

looking at porn on tumblr, coming across photos of los angeles, feeling like it's a million miles away. a place i can never live. barely even visit.
i visited it once in my adult life
everything seems hard.

i always get depressed over new york. i have gone once in my adult life.

my brother has gone to these places and many others.
the places that seem impossibly far. and just plain impossible.
are all places he's been.

he says a phone is a phone, that i don't need a smartphone. he has a smartphone. i guess he needs it
but i am not him.

i'm trying to wrap up writing before my roommates come upstairs. smash smash smash
tonight my roommate (landlord?) rudely requested that i don't lock the front door when people are home, because she doesn't want to be bothered with putting her bags down long enough to unlock it.
headphones on. now.

am i ready to pursue my dreams?

am i ready to accept that they're gone?

am i ready to give up on my dreams?

uncompromising, with no sense of purpose. what a rotten place to live.

i have been written up at work.
a woman rudely repeated an entire order because i asked her the last thing she said. i told her to leave. there was a child screaming. not laughing. not crying. screaming. to scream.

children tell their parents about the drinks i make.

an older lady asks my schedule because i do it "perfect" she says

my manager tells me how she's the only one who does anything.
the managers above her comment on how disobedient i am.
my manager says how i scare the new kid.
and how i swear and snap.
i'm never proud when it happens.
but she pushes and pushes me. making insulting remarks about me in front of customers until i want to cry and hit something hard. i can feel the helplessness welling up from behind my eyes. i can feel the worthlessness leaking through my skin, so that i want to hit something just to feel solid. tangible. like i'm worth more than nine dollars an hour in one of the most expensive places to live in the world.

i'll probably be thrown out for my insubordination. for snapping one day after being insulted all day. and it will be because i never wanted to hurt her by reporting her behavior as inappropriate and abusive.

i'll try to leave before that can happen.

and since my roommate told me she'll kick me out if i yell at someone again.
(after she violently fought with her boyfriend one six a.m.)
(after they slammed each other into their bedroom wall, leaving three enormous hastily patched over holes one six a.m.)
(after she used a knife to force open a roommates door, threatening him, telling him she'll tell the cops he hit her)
if i call her boyfriend a faggot and a retard again, i'll be kicked out
(because that behavior is frightening and it is not okay for me to frighten people and it is not okay for me to lock the front door to protect the people from frightening people)
i gave a customer a mug i owned
so that he could get discounts on his drinks
he handed me a ten and i'm too poor to turn it down
but i felt bad afterwards
and then i sneakily bought him a drink
but i told him because i want credit for my deeds
but i think it made him sad because he wanted to give me money
i'm psychotic.
i scare people.
it's my fault the store is failing
it's not that my manager complains to customers
it's not that ours charges more than the other one
it's not that we are untrained
and constantly shifting personnel around so that there are constantly new people who don't know much and therefore screw up more.
it's not that we're understaffed and people leave when they get bored of waiting.
those are all smartass responses
it's my fault.
i should work harder for the privilege of barely covering rent.
work is hostile
home is hostile
one day i will know peace

i can hear their voices through my headphones.