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November 17, 2014

got written up at my job twice. once for having a water cup behind the counter and also for being eleven minutes late. it didn't really bother me at the time, but now i feel like i'll be fired for anything. or like. if i need to go to the bathroom right before i leave, it will cost me, because my stomach is in a perpetual state of distress.

been playing more online shooters against other people. trying to enjoy something i'm bad at. i used to be good. i wondered why i stopped being good. probably because, i didn't realize it, but i had to practice to be good.

worked on music the past two days with minimal anxiety. maybe i'm getting used to everything feeling empty and fearful.

there is something wrong with society. not wanting to live real life is such a common sentiment. movies, games, music. i think most people may be trying to escape, but we're so entrenched in this that we don't realize this is an abnormal and perverted state of affairs.

my attention deficit disorder seems to have spread throughout the whole of north america. on tumblr, everyone's trying to teach themselves to feel complacent because they're so unhappy with themselves. at least that's how i see self empowerment without improvement.

at retail, we are made to feel afraid instead of relaxed. we are understaffed and the tension runs through me like an undercurrent of electrical beams, stiffening my back and arms, making me crave more more painkillers just to function at something entirely unnatural.

it is a form of prostitution, asexual prostitution, satisfying others without anything in return. we're not even allowed tips. i take them anyway. i wonder if management has seen me do so but chooses to look the other way. i hope so. those tips raise my morale and help when i buy a mozzarella and salami stick from the supermarket i work in

i don't like when people make jokes about people's jobs. today i saw one about having a degree and working as a barista. maybe i have it coming for all the times i've said racial or homophobic slurs, feeling that it's ok as long as i don't direct it to a specific person, or say it in the company of people who may be hurt by it.

when people critique others for anything, i think they are showing their values. when you call an enemy fat or ugly, your values of looks triumph, when you criticize their income, you show your capitalistic values, and when you call someone a bigot you may show your bigotry. i have been called a bigot. even transphobic. maybe. i think i just don't follow the rules that other people try to impose on how i see things. i don't care if someone is trans, and i think that comes off like i hate them because i care so little about them or what they do to their bodies. i instead rely on how revolted i am by something, but it still doesn't determine how i see the characters of people. i feel like when people mock those below a certain line of income, they're just showing hubris.
i dont know. i have to leave now.
i have to be on time.