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September 04, 2011

My interest in the gothgoyle has felt very shallow lately, because aspects of her personality bother me enough that I figure it must be a shallow attraction. I suppose sharing all that information with her was an intimate act, though. Maybe this is just a temporary perspective that can change with my mood. Last night I went to her house and her friend who hates me was there, the friend who I thought was beginning to show signs of maturity. I called the girl on it, and spent most of the evening visibly annoyed at her presence. Tried to leave and gg called me on it which was annoying, and when I had a chance alone with her, I just said how I don't appreciate how her friend treats me. And I think she said something about how it's in my head and I told her not to give me that shit or something, and that is one thing I like about my relationship with the goth is that she challenges me enough that I have to respond in kind. It's somewhat tiring, but it's also good for me to be at that point, where I'm unafraid to be angry. I had to bring up another mutual friend's perspective to justify mine which was fucking annoying. That is something I do not like, is how much of a fucking challenge it is to get her to see that I'm a credible witness.

She says what is on her mind, which means she says a lot of things about my personality that bother me. When she said something to me, I didn't respond in any way, and she said how much that annoys her, and I understand that, but I wish we could be at a point in this friendship where I don't have to fucking always say something. I think that's ultimately the goal of any friendship that I want more from, I don't want to always use words. For some people like her, that's hard to take. And then when they say something about it, that's hard for me to take.

I think she's kind of a bitch, but in a way that I respect because for the most part she is adaptable. If she realizes the way she says something is hurtful, she'll try to find another way to say it. So there is this abrasiveness mixed with compassion.

One thing I can't fucking stand about her is how she has such a binary gender view of things, which is gay. I find genderqueers as obnoxious as anyone, but just, any amount of characteristics I show from the "opposite" gender, and she seems so opposed to it, as if she's a far right Christian even though she does that annoying fag hag thing with people she hasn't made out with. I can understand where she's coming with almost everything, but that always stands out as being an unusually stupid hangup of hers. I think she just sees me as an attractive person and if any part of me challenges that, it upsets her on some level. Which is kind of flattering but also exposes her as high fucking maintenance.

The way I see it, the relationship status is now determined based on how much she makes me feel good versus how much she doesn't. This is how I have unconsciously viewed other relationships, not realizing that the bad was outweighing the good and I should have jumped ship. With this, I am at least conscious of it. From the beginning of the night to the middle, I felt bad to uncomfortable, and then by the end I was exceptionally comfortable and I wanted more, and she did, too. After I stood outside her door and messed around with my keys, as I descended her steps, she stepped outside the door to look at me and say bye again, and then again later texted me to say she wished I was still there but whatever.

My associates are all very untrusting of her, and that last part reminds me of that because it sounds like a tease. I don't think she's a tease, though I could very well be wrong about that. She doesn't seem like she plays those kinds of games, but again, I'm unsure. I think I trust myself too little sometimes even though I'm older than a lot of the people who share their perspectives and have had more relationship experience. I don't give myself enough credit I think. I am just very paranoid about being used, taken advantage of, and losing power. When I mentioned to a friend how the goth said she hasn't been able to stop thinking of me for a long time, the friend mentioned how the goth also said things in similar words about other people, which made me think the goth is full of shit, but upon thinking about it more, I don't think the goth is full of shit; I think she just falls in love constantly, and now it's my turn. Maybe that's too big a word to throw in there. But I have seen her look at someone she liked, and it was a look of intense craziness that I don't doubt the veracity of what she says she feels. I think she probably does like as much as she has said, but she has also liked other people in quick succession. I just hope I can stand out among them somehow. I feel like I have something to offer her in the present state of our relationship. And I feel like those opposite gender characteristics are one of the reasons why, but I don't think she realizes that.

Our physical contact last night encased the night, once briefly at the beginning, and then again at the end, but the end hug was more long and intimate, and I rubbed her back to keep her warm, which was nice. I like her back. I like a lot about her, but I hate a lot about her, and a committed relationship is unlikely to happen. I wonder if this can work as a friendship, probably at least until she falls in love again.