September 01, 2011|
I've been kind of bothered today. Been kind of fixating on what the gothgoil has kept saying, and I didn't realize it really bothered me until today when I became overly focused on it. Usually in one of our conversations about my inner self, she would eventually become frustrated with me because the ways I interact with people I don't know well are "weird". I didn't know it was bothering me, but then I kept thinking about it today. But I think she's going to stop doing it, because I just threw in last night when I was talking to her, "…and I don't think it's so good for me to always hear how weird I am" and she sounded like she was going to cry. I think there were a few times she sounded like she was going to cry. There were a few times I kind of did.
I thought I would be glad to see her today, I thought I would want to hug her, but when I saw her, it was from a distance, and I didn't want to go near her. Again, I realized, I feel dumped. I've put my guard up, I've let it down, and I've managed to continue getting into these situations.
I guess all the truth came out of me last night because I finally had nothing to lose. I didn't really feel like I had to hide how much I liked her, or how much pain I was in, because either way she wouldn't share a bed with me. And it felt like I was opening up, but maybe it was what I always joke about, a suicide for her, a way for me to kill myself. Maybe I associate release with death. Maybe my telling her everything was not really us growing closer, but us growing apart, maybe a last ditch attempt to make her love me, or maybe it was my way of saying "you've chosen not to be with me, I don't blame you, but this is who I am and you can know this because I will never let you in again".
The whole conversation started because I wanted to know if she wanted to watch some movies. Really, I don't know how things will be. I want to watch movies with her, I want to go out with her, but she wants a destination that neither of us think I can provide, and I don't think she can provide what I would want out of a committed relationship, either. I just want to watch movies with her, to be able to hold her hand.
I'm just unhappy with the present state of affairs. I want it to be the way it was. That's all. And maybe that's inherently more transient than most things.