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September 06, 2011

watched monster dog at her house, didn't lay a finger on her, but was laying next to her. she petted me a little bit, and it was the best feeling ever. i was timid and afraid. when she hugged me goodnight i bent over so she wouldn't have to reach up, and then i sat down so i wouldn't have to lean over and then put her on my lap so she wouldn't have to lean over and then i rubbed her back like i like to do, like i wanted to do earlier but was scared to do, and then she gave me a kiss, i gave her a kiss, on my way out the door i went to hug her again and she kissed me again, and i wish i could have stayed. i go to see her in the hope that i can be closer to her, and it's totally the wrong reason to go. it's seeking what she says she is trying to avoid. But in the moments after the kiss, on the drive home, even though my analytical side was trying to take over, it was no match for the post kiss euphoria. I am grateful for that. I am afraid of my feelings for it, my needing it.