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July 23, 2011

She called me last night, was in the area. I had fun with her even in the car before we left. Went driving through the mountain, headed north and went to a pizza place. Feel less comfortable around her than before. More on edge. Not horribly so, but I notice it. I think when I get comfortable around people I also get more sensitive, and she just tells me if she doesn't like something I do. We sat at the ocean and talked about the stupid therapist I encountered. I miss when I was awash in a sea of emotions. My relationship with her now seems more clinical. I hate how these things happen. She mentioned how she felt like she was being an asshole about leaving and I said how I hated the karaoke guy who sang the song that inspired her to leave.

Earlier that day I was talking to the azn drug girl, and she kept talking about love, and I don't know. A lot of the things she says are more spirituality based and I don't believe in them, but then she we had a discussion, and the things she said made sense to me. She loves going on these rampages about opening our hearts and stuff, and she seems to have a response to everything. I've always liked her, I've always thought she was one of the most unique and entertaining and interesting people at my school. But this was the first time we actually seemed to share ideas. Interestingly she seems to think I love myself, and that scares people because I wear my emotions on my sleeve and can face myself. I was confused because I hate myself, and she said that if someone is willing to face their issues and try to overcome them that is love.

When I got back from seeing my friend, I talked to the azn girl again until three a.m.