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July 22, 2011

Dear Dairy,
I mentioned to my mother that my father and I were taking the dog to the vet to see what is up with his hip, and she asked if we were using a coupon because she says he doesn't have money and his situation is as bleak as ours. I don't like how she sees our lives as intertwined in this way, so that if one of us goes down we all do, but I feel it. When she mentioned his situation, I wondered how I could help. I feel like I have to help her, too, but I don't help her or him, except I pay part of the rent in this house with my disability money. I feel like lifting myself out of this is hard, but since apparently everyone else needs help, why bother trying to help myself. I'll just be presented with way more that needs to be saved. It seems like everything spirals out of control when I leave this house. When I left back in 2001, I came back to find that my room had been overhauled. My father had touched everything. I actually had been putting off coming back constantly, and my mother helped me putting off by emailing me large sums of money to fund my trip. I spent six months out of state because I didn't know how to adjust if I came back, how to go from being relatively free to being confined by a fear of touch. While I was in chorus last year, I received messages from my mother that revealed the dog had been taken away by the Humane Society. He'd killed a cat because he managed to escape because on that day neither my mother or I were home. Another day that I had chorus, this year, my cat was being taken to a vet to die, and I couldn't be there for her because no one told me what was happening until I got home. Her body was stuffed in a box for adult diapers. Any time I check my messages and see a missed call from my mom, I get scared.

I have recently realized the situation with all my material belongings isn't as bleak as I once thought. I used to think I would need external storage if I move out, but I somehow failed to realize that all my stuff is in one room, and if I moved out, I would have multiple rooms to organize and store things, instead of just shoving them into one room anywhere they'll fit. But I am still afraid to move out because my mom wants to rent out my room if I do, and I don't know how my obsessive compulsive disorder will permit me to come back here if I can't also have a safe place to change and shower. I don't know how to do it.

I heard back from my friend,
Okay, just something to keep in mind. Last night felt like a big fat explosion in my face, so I want to make sure if you leave early that it's not just because of a technological failure. You obviously need to do what's best for yourself (durr), and if I felt like I could do the same, I would. That doesn't mean I won't miss you.
Hope you're doing better today.

Doing much better thank you. You are an awesome friend. I will miss you too. Nothing is set in stone. Still figuring it out. Thanx homie. ;-)

That was two days ago, and I haven't heard from her since. She has an active social life, but part of me suspects she's going to leave and not mention it till she's gone. Is that paranoia or just insight?

Two nights ago, Wednesday night, Ing and her boyfriend and I went on a night hike, which I never do because I fear walking in the dark in animal territory. I was frightened the whole time. Ing got freaked out and asked if I touched her ass, but I didn't, but she said she wouldn't freak out if I did, but that it was creepy because it came from some unknown source.

Just went for a walk with my dad and the dog. I have had a realization about how I can exercise the dog without straining him. Around here there is basically only one way to walk without encountering steep hills. We are going to take the dog to a vet. We think his hip is dislocated.

The cat ran away. I thought he was dead but apparently he showed up at his old owner's house. Lame. Stupid stupid cat.

Monday night a bunch of us did karaoke and that's when my friend freaked me out with news that she'd be leaving. But she sang Danzig's mother and it was so sexy because every time she said "till you're bleeding" she'd gesture at me.