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June 19, 2011

Usually my mindset is terrible during breaks, but once Summer started, I was relieved not to have classes. I felt like I could finally think again. I could lay down in bed and read a book. There have been several instances of cabin fever and habitual video game playing, but there have also been recoveries.

I began running every day, though I figure i probably can't sustain that much pressure on my legs every day, so I enrolled in fitness classes at the nearby school. Last week I went to a yoga class at Grace Cathedral, and I really liked it. I start fitness classes tomorrow, and i'd like to go to another Grace Cathedral yoga thing on Tuesday. I hope to keep going over the summer at every Tuesday, but who knows if I'll hate yoga from having it so much.

When I began to hate myself by not doing anything, I added music and web design to my schedule, each for thirty minutes a day. I think that must sound ridiculous to most people with a work ethic, but i think it's just how I have to come to terms with whatever is inside me. Whatever keeps me from focusing long enough. Once I set that up in my head, I had mild panic attacks.

Yesterday, I took my computer to a library and spent a half hour on composition and a half hour on researching HTML5. A while back I wanted to learn C++ but it was hard to focus on and I stopped. Then I realized after hearing that Microsoft was going to base application development around HTML5 that I could base a new skillset around what I already know. So I started that.

Today is day two of that regimen, and it's gotten very hard already. As I worked on my music, I had anxieties about what would happen next. Like if I thought of a new thing I could do, I'd begin panicking about what if no ideas came after. And then even though I was making progress, i kept hating myself more and more, and I wanted to stop.
I keep wondering why it is so hard for me to work on anything, and i thought it was maybe laziness, or maybe some mental disorder. I think it's the latter, and it manifests itself in self-hatred and whenever I'm avoiding creative work, I'm really avoiding pain. Every moment of making music becomes painful, and I want to avoid that pain so much that I feel lazy.

I still have my schedule in place. I'm going to keep doing it. I just have to account for this self-loathing and acknowledge it without letting it end everything like it has before.