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June 10, 2011

Feeling badly about myself tonight. I feel like staying indoors, opinions about myself just accumulate, and I dont have time to distract myself. Inside, I am constantly psychologically milling around, comparing myself to other people, looking at my body in the mirror, looking at my sibling's body on Facebook and being reminded that I will probably never have a body that is "equal" to that, whether in scrawniness or brawniness. My body is for fetishists, and females who prey on the weak and wounded. I am damaged, for the damaged.
I feel like if I got rid of all the friends who ever said anything that was really, really fucked up to me, whether it's about my weight or how shitty I look, I wouldn't have a lot of friends. And I recognize the value in that, in purging, but I don't know when it's reasonable. So I'm in the house, reflecting on what people have said about my body, about my outfits, about my abilities. I think "what injustice", and when I mentioned to my previous voice teacher/acquaintance, how I want to be pitied, I don't think she understood why, only that it is the case.

I want to be pitied because I want mercy. I want understanding. I feel like all I get is exasperation, sighs, judgment, hidden thoughts that come out when they tire of trying to fix me. I want pity because I don't feel like my internal struggles have been recognized. Even by this person, this previous voice teacher/acquaintance, who used to give me so much credit, for overcoming, and for being talented, glossed over those things in her final attacks on me. She told me she thought I would never change.

It is unfair to say they haven't been recognized, to the people who have recognized them. There are people.

I don't mean to give her so much thought time. She is unattractive, annoying, unstable, and most people I know can't stand her. However, she is the most recent force that I've felt applied to my crown, pushing me down into the ground.

I have learned that she is not the enemy, though. Most of the time there is no enemy, except my thoughts that give so much time and credit to these people and ideas I should disregard. Humans put failsafes in place, so that if they are emotionally crushed by someone's words, they can bounce back. Haters gonna hate, etcetera. I have spent a long time trying to overcome those failsafes because I saw them as dishonest, I saw them as allowing my ego to get out of control. My ego is still out of control, though, and instead of setting me up to rise, it has set out to destroy me.

Listened to Doug Stanhope comedy, talking about how focusing is boring, how it's normal to not want to focus. He talked about how he is lazy, how he drinks to calm down, how people are dependent on those drugs that make them boring because they benefit the economy, and we're all hung up on this bullshit that doesn't matter because we're told to be. Yeah, after watching that, I've been considering a steady diet of alcohol, because I am that impressionable, but I am embarrassed that it affected me that much. Drinking because the TV tells me to. But I have stayed away from any kind of chemical mind altering stuff, stuff that is designed to alter the mind anyway. I have the hormones in the food, the caffeine, but I stay away from illicit drugs, and other things like that. I think because I feel like I'd be a disappointment to my parents. But I am such a disappointment. Either because I don't do the things I believe in, or I believe in the wrong things. Maybe I am just disappointed, and that is the problem. I feel like there is nothing left for me in this life. So I eat to feel good, fuck around all day, go to bed with my mind racing on soda and video games, outgrow myself. Grow sick of myself. Disappointed in myself. Afraid of myself, afraid of aging, afraid of the time that wasn't lost, but surely feels lost, because it has passed. Existentialism seems to be a part of growing up, but I think some people get stuck in it. I fear that I am stuck.