June 06, 2011
16:26
Dear DAIRY,
I've been trying to share more of my emotions with my mother. Even small things I just might otherwise say, I've been saying lately. Nothing big. Sometimes I'll make a joke.
Today isn't a good day for my self esteem. Got berated in one big conversation, then given a fuck you in another by a girl who was pressuring me to come over and I don't really feel like coming over, and I feel pressured. And then a nasty email from the old bipolar tenant about how she could hear me in the bathroom.
br>I feel like there is so much responsibility to other people, and I don't know if it's because other people have a sense of entitlement or if it's because I'm totally cold and don't understand how to be a normal person. But these are fairly clingy people, so maybe it is a simple matter of compatibility. In which case, I don't deserve to be berated for being incompatible.
Being a great singer used to never matter to me. I don't need to be a great singer for the art that I sparingly do, but at least do once in a while. Even so, that voice teacher who has stopped teaching me because she thinks poorly of me, was the sole means of support that I felt I had for my voice. Now I don't feel I have anyone who believes in me. I doubt even she believed in me. She admitted herself she pities me. Maybe her belief was borne from pity, and not from a real belief. In which case, I am lost.
Life hurts today. I wish to run, and do laundry. I'm torn between being lazy and doing other things. World become beautiful again.
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