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June 04, 2011

I was hesitant to go to my friend's show last night. Like usual. And I knew that I might really enjoy myself if I went alone, but I also questioned how motivated I could get myself to go without bringing someone with me.

Then, there was another event I was invited to. An event that was just down the street from where I lived. What a rarity. I am always driving out to places, always spending copious amounts of gas on seeing other people. Other people never just let me know they're going to be a short drive away. I could walk there if I wanted a workout.

I got a call from the person who invited me. She said that one of our mutual acquaintances said that the annoying gay person would probably be upset that I was there, and that yeah, it's totally high school. Etcetera. But I think it is totally high school that she even acknowledged the annoying gay person's feelings on the matter. It was a relatively big group of people, too. I would understand if it was a group of two or three friends, that some guy who doesn't like me wouldn't appreciate my attendance.

One thing I notice about immature people is their inability to accept that they cannot control situations. I've been into Tumblr lately. I think it's a useful tool for sharing new content that has been appropriated into sharing other people's content. But anyway. There are a lot of young people on there, and they seem to suffer the same affliction. Angsty over being unable to control situations that they don't have a right to control. We aren't entitled to determine who likes our favorite bands, or who hangs out at the same places we hang out, or who looks at our tits when we post them on the internet (I'm the one who looks).

But in a show of loyalty that I appreciated, the friend who initially invited me said she would go with me to the show. And she was okay if I wanted to go and make the gay guy uncomfortable. But I was fine not going, as lame as it was. I wasn't going to go and make someone uncomfortable to spite them, considering that one person didn't want me there, and one was willing to say I shouldn't because of someone else.

We were not really into one of the opening acts, but I think I realized I was connecting too much with my friend on a negative level. I saw my friend who was performing that night, my friend from New York, but obviously there was a split in energy. It was not the magical night of new experiences the last time I went. Rather, it was me with a 21 year old saying hi to a friend who is turning 30.

I mentioned that I hate myself to the 21 year old. That makes me sound whinier than I am when I say thing like that. I don't really say it to vent or to get consolation. It's just a fact of my life. I hate myself. I don't want to, but I do. Her advice was the most trite thing ever, and it follows how she handles any situation in which my honesty about how helpless I feel comes out. The advice was along the lines of, it's stupid to hate yourself, it's just a waste of time, you're just wasting time. Which is the sort of advice that constantly runs through the head of someone who experiences self-loathing. It isn't helpful. It is stupid because we all know these things. The problem is that we can know all the things in the world and still be affected by our emotions, to be run over by them, and to have to learn how to cope with our past. I hate myself for being uncomfortable touching my mother. Has this girl ever experienced something like that? It is a situation that is unique to me, at least in the sense that I don't run into people on a daily basis who experience anything like it. In fact, I don't think I ever have. Sometimes people talk about how they have to clean their houses or they get anxious.

My friend's band was a mess. At first I acknowledged it, along with the 21 year old, but that did nothing for me. And I don't think it was anyone's fault since they could not all rehearse together. I think it's okay to be a mess sometimes. If you want to perform, and you're unprepared, sometimes you have to be a mess. So I tried to just watch the show, but the 21 year old was already texting the person who suggested I not come, seeing what they were doing.

To be honest, because there isn't any other way for me to be, I didn't want to see those people much. There was one person I wanted to see because he is moving soon and I feel a weird connection with him, but everyone else, who cares. About one of them is really cool to me. But I saw them all the time at school, in the same stale atmosphere, in an atmosphere of people who don't understand me, who have their things going on. To see a person who doesn't like me, to see another person who doesn't care enough about me to say that it doesn't matter that the other person doesn't like me, as opposed to seeing my 30 year old friend who, despite never calling me when she's in town, at least acts happy to see me. At least there's a front of honest appreciation. At least it's not school.

But I gave in. She was sick of being there, and so was I, but I at least wanted to see the last band, if they were good. I hate leaving shows early. I don't do it if I'm on my own. I always want to see everyone, and if the last act is really bad I will leave early. But the 21 year old was so pushy. I went outside just to sit down and have some time away from the crowd and the smelly bar. And she was standing over me, asking how long I'd be doing this, asking if we could go.

I think that's the moment. When all the items about the other event, with all the other people, started going into my head. And I felt sadness. I could have argued my point, that I rarely see this friend, that I don't like leaving shows early, that I am not really wanted there, that I have seen those people all the fucking time and I could go a long time without seeing them and be happy, that I have nowhere else to go, that I don't want to go home, and I don't want to go into that group of people whose presence has grown hard and boring, that I want to be in a shitty smelly bar because the other options are shittier.
I didn't say anything though. Because I didn't want to inconvenience anyone, and in doing so I inconvenienced myself. I understood this on some level, at least. For the first time perhaps, I realized on the car ride to the guy's house that I could have protested, that I had that power, but that I chose not to use it, not because of a cloud of helplessness around me, but because I didn't want to inconvenience anyone. I had the cloud, but I realized precisely why, and I knew it was a bad decision, probably, because I was hurting myself. But at least I knew.

I've been "hooking up" with a girl who had more potential before, but has revealed herself to be clingy and sex-obsessed. Too intense with wanting to be with me, already, within a few meetings. I slept in her bed, and that was really nice. but I don't want to give my life to her. And I think she will try to take my life.