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September 14, 2010

I was looking at the store clerk, wondering about her relationship to the fire. Wondering how things could seem so ordinary. She took down my address so I could get mega discounts. "Were you near the explosion?" No. "My ex-husband is in the hospital, badly burned. His wife and other familial relations perished." Things of that sort. She said to me.

I spoke to my friend today who is supposed to be visiting from New York soon. I was concerned that I wouldn't be able to entertain him enough. "I'm going to be in school a lot. How will I keep you entertained?" I Asked this. "Will you just come to school with me all the time??" I was giddy and ridiculous, and then it was like he dumped me when he said it was kind of like a vacation for him and his girlfriend, and how he wanted to see all these people, some of which he knows through her. And I was like, "oh." I didn't want to be on the phone with him anymore. Wanted to tell someone how I was upset I was. Didn't want to tell him. That's the usual story. That is how I handle things.

Wasn't mad at him. Was mad at his girlfriend. For taking him from me, and then taking him from me when he returns home.

So it sounds like I might not see him that much even though he told me how he wanted to see me a lot, and how he mostly just wanted to hang out with me. . I even got mad when he said how he would be spending a lot of time with his parents. It might not be all that reasonable of me to be angry about that.

I went to see my head doctor, talked about all sorts of things, a lot to do with my mother. How I wanted beauty in my life, always around me, how my mother brought cakes to the fire victims and is crazy and how I've been eating a lot of cake because no one wanted any damn cake.

I talked to a guy whose friend's dog fell down a flight of stairs and died.

After my appointment, I felt weak, worn out. Looking over San Francisco, unsure where I was, but kind of in awe of the beauty of the water and trees, but unable to feel like I could truly experience. I let myself reach the precipice of crying but it usually doesn't come out all the way, misty eyes, tingling, just a little bit. And then I end every day.

2238 self help of the day keeping in mind what i did that day instead of what i didn't