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September 19, 2010

They installed two flat panel televisions at the gym. I've found myself rolling my eyes at the advertising. I hate how it tries to sell lifestyles through products. I feel like it's dishonest.

I've often found people who rally against corporations to be kind of obnoxious, but I think I'm becoming one of them. At least the type to grumble about corporations.
I mean, I think most people don't like disingenuous people. Even dishonest people usually don't want to be around other dishonest people, right?

I've kind of flip flopped about free markets versus more government control, but it seems like the more corporations are allowed to behave like individuals, they more they fuck things up. When the explosion happened, it kind of blew my mind´┐Ż how this group can have that much say over how ordinary people live their lives, how it can determine when they die by simply being a little negligent, and how people might not even realize they're buying into it by just living in a house.

So there are these stupid ads with the most artificial situations, and it just makes me feel so insulted. Really? They're showing people frolicking in a field when they have a new product? It's not even stuff that feels good to look at. The ads aren't ever beautiful, just cartoonishly fake.

I just woke up, too late. The information on Facebook prompted me to think of these things. Just stupid information. "This person is now friends with this person" "this person likes some shit". I like seeing what people have to say even if it's not always smart, or if they have new photos, or things like that, but FB has a way of distilling the essence of our activities into asinine blips that I grow to resent. Our existences are broken down into their stupidest elements with that website. And it's also a visually repulsive site. I don't understand why everything has to be so white, everywhere, all the time. I woke up too early, not too late.

I suppose I resent information so much lately because I'm so fed up in general with my personal life. I feel like information is all I've got a lot of the time. My room has become more oppressive lately. I've begun working almost sparingly but it has given me a taste of how hard it would be to work and go to school. I just want a life I feel like I can't reach. I want my mother to be healthy. I want to compose and perform music. I want to get into better shape. I want to stop being afraid of humans. I want to stop having bad relationships just because they're there. I want fulfillment. I want beauty in every part of the life. I want the dark beauty I once knew.
Everything returns to this spot in front of my computer. I don't feel like I have any skills, and I want to stop being scared and nauseous all the time.
I've been writing about these things for so long that I feel like I have to criticize myself whenever I do. As much as I allow myself to complain, I still don't do it as thoroughly as I'd like to because I don't want to make a fool of myself in front of people who don't know me. I want beauty back.
Everything comes back here, but I want to go home.