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July 04, 2009

I think there should be a website dedicated to showing celebrities being "pretty cool" or "pretty okay" because all I knew about Michael Jackson was all the shitty lame stuff that made him seem like a child-fucking douchebag, and now that he's died, all this stuff pops up, with people talking about him, and he actually seems like he was a pretty okay guy, and that the press and the audience favored all the ugly stuff like the skin bleaching thing over the skin disorder thing even though there was clear evidence for the latter. And there are just all these videos people are posting now where I can't help but feel for the guy, even if he was a child fucker. But there isn't even really strong evidence for that. I don't know how the British guy's show about Michael Jackson was so well known and popular, but I never even heard of the Maury Povich special that followed to clarify some of the misinformation presented. It's just fucked.
And I never realized that he was insanely talented, and I guess I never did because he was always there, like a girlfriend that we get used to. He was always in my consciousness and the consciousness of America, to such a degree that we could never truly understand what he was until he had left. I am not trying to be sentimental about it, but I think he was a part of all of us, in this really weird way that I never ever even knew about. So bizarre.
I think his life ended tragically, but I don't think it could have ended any other way. The idea that there isnt an afterlife kind of scares me, but for someone like him, even that seems preferable to the hell that he endured. So I hope he's found peace in whatever form that peace comes in.

So yeah, a website with celebrities being pretty cool would be good for me, because i always end up finding out about their best sides after they die, and it sucks. All this time I've thought Fred Durst was a twat, what if he's really cool? What if there's some video of him being a really cool guy???????

I guess I have to wait for him to die.

I've been preoccupied with the razor blades in my tummy lately, but I've wanted to write about the Jackson stuff for a while, and I've also wanted to write about this: Horizon: Total Isolation. I will probably not be as eloquent as i'd like to be because it was a while ago when i first thought to write about it, but basically it shows people going stir crazy, with nowhere to go. And I noticed that some of their behavior was like a more extreme form of mine. They could not leave the place they were in, so they went into a state of panic, where their minds slowed down, and they would walk back and forth for hours and hours. I think that when I am here, in front of my computer, i am always in a state of panic, in a state of restlessness, and so my mind turns to slush and I just go back and forth on websites all day, seemingly unable to do anything I want to do, like work on a song, or walk the dog, or read an article. I just take the most immediate sense of gratification, I can't even stop long enough to read something because I have to keep moving have to keep moving. For me, anything below extreme stimulation, feels too slow, too little, like i need more i need more so much more all the time, i can't stop to have a thought, i CAN'T stop to be creative. In the documentary, the people are tested at the end of the experiment, and they are noticeably dumber. i notice too when i leave the house after being indoors all day, i feel so strange, like i am not the same person i am as when i leave in the morning. like i'm dull and irritable and i don't know. like my skin is covered in glass.