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July 07, 2009

Dear Dairy,
Since yesterday my self esteem has been going down the pipes. All going away.
Yesterday, the lady and I took a hike, and she was constantly checking text messages from her ex so she could reassure him constantly. Textbook codependency, and it seemed kind of pointless to be out when that was obviously consuming all her mind.

She doesn't want to be involved with me the way we've been involved because of him, and a slew of other reasons. Those other reasons didn't really bother me, except for one, when she said she thinks I just want to sit around playing video games all day and sit around in front of my computer.

I don't want to do those things all day, I mean, I hardly play video games, but I don't want to be in front of computer all day.
But it made me feel like shit because it was just like when she said I don't make $$$. And all this time I've felt like she believes in me, and i guess I put all my eggs in one basket, because when it seemed like she thought I would never escape the hole I'm in, I realized I had no hope left for myself. It was all in her and what she thought of me. I thought I was getting stronger, but it could be that I was just propping myself up on her.
Since then, i've just been dwelling on that thought, feelings of worthlessness, trying not to feel worthless, but I can't stop feeling this way. I can't stop feeling totally inadequate. I want to be more, I am not happy with how I am. I just have never known how. i thought surrounding myself with driven people would help me grow, and i think it can, but the downside is being viewed as an invalid.

I tried to blame my upbringing, so she could understand. But no one can understand. It's just laziness to them. Maybe they're all right. I can't tell when I'm lazy and when I'm mentally ill.

It's the same way I am with relationships. I can't make heads or tails of them. this entry is built on clich�s. I just don't understand some things, and it makes me feel so stupid.

and the way that she's willing to sacrifice the sexual/romantic side of our relationship so she can appease him.
when she and i began, i knew i was in second place, i knew i couldn't compete, so i tried not to
i remember the first time she had sex with him after we began to get close, it genuinely bothered me, but I pushed it away.

After some time passed, she treated me like I was more. She began to let me enter her room, and she began to let me sleep with her.
Last time I came to her house, I lied down on her floor, and she offered me a blanket.

I think her telling him what has transpired between us has done more than just create a temporary situation. I am agitated for more than just my feelings of self-worth; I am agitated because I think the relationship between us is irreparably damaged because at one of its seemingly strongest points, it has been compromised by her relationship with him. It's like watching an old, worn face drop down to reveal a new, empty face. Shitty metaphor. I'm full of them lately.

so she keeps thinking that i'm hung up on sex since i said i don't think i want to see her if our relationship is going to be deprived of sex. but i don't think it is, and none of my other friends think it is. so i will believe them and myself

so talking of self-worth, i am watching this documentary today. i keep seeing myself in the lead role, this horrible longing for a bigger life, for meaning in the world, to be relevant. but as he is plagued by alcoholism and a fear of failure, i am plagued similarly. and i keep seeing how impossible that goal seems when it is in someone else, and after what she said, i feel like it's impossible in me. i don't believe in myself unless i have people who believe in me

she was maybe going to go to a museum with me today, but I told her I didn't want her to answer text messages while we were out, but she couldn't do that. so i stayed in.
which is fine, i shouldn't see her. i shouldn't talk to her because the relationship has become toxic. i hope there is a way to reclaim what we had, but i don't think trying is a good way to go about it. she tries constantly with her ex, and it is a totally dysfunctional relationship. trying doesn't mean anything. you try to be the best person you are, but i think that's about all you can do. if there is a dysfunctional basis, and neither is willing to fix the dysfunction, then it's broken. she and i are broken now, and possibly beyond repair. i hope not. i really hope not. as long as she's texting back and forth with him, though, it's over. what we had is shit now even if we keep talking.
that's something else i didn't realize with my ex. keeping her around didn't solve anything. it just kept a broken situation at the forefront. if my situation right now is broken, too, i need enough strength to be alone. it's hard to be alone. but what is the point in being in a relationship that has drastically changed in this way.

it's broken it's broken and i cannot fix it

she freaked about my not necessarily wanting to remain hang out buddies
you can't just turn things off like that. either she will give in to me, or i will pine for her just as the other pathetic people pine for their exes. that, i think, would be enjoyable to her because it feels good to be wanted. but that is suicide to me, that is pain pain pain in my brain brain brain.

if our relationship continues as it is, as dysfunctional as it is, the only way to save any happiness, any future fulfillment, is to walk away, but she doesn't see it that way.
"we must secure the shadow ere the substance fades"