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February 09, 2009

I guess I feel like my dreams have been impaled, and I'm left with nothing in my own hands except my destiny which is impossible to quantify or understand right now.

It's my fault for treating the school as anything more than it is. As if it can determine who I am, when that's ultimately something that I can do on my own.

It is hard to disconnect my ego from the school. I want to keep pursuing school things, so I can learn, but my feelings are hurt so easily that I have to numb myself to the school, and that is when I want to leave because it seems pointless. Otherwise, I care too much and want to get in too much to the point where it makes me feel like shit.

I know I need to develop a strong sense of self. School should supplement my life, not define it. But it's very hard to do that.
Oh, I'm supposed to begin using Wellbutrin soon. I spoke to a doctor who thinks I have low level depression, doesn't see any major signs of bi-polar disorder, and thinks that OCD is actually secondary to ADHD. And that makes sense, I think, because maybe if my drive and determination were stronger, my OCD wouldn't have such a powerful effect on me because I'd be able to motivate myself to leave the house or focus long enough to feel accomplished despite the OCD.

I have always avoided drugs, always hated them, but I hate my life and self. I don't want to hate myself or my life.

The idea of being driven scares me, too, though. I feel like i wasted the past decade on nothing, so even if I start doing amazing things now, it will be pointless.
but I look at some of the non musical work I've done, that spans the past several years, and I dont think it was wasted. I think it produced good work, even when it didn't feel like work.

Life would be easier if I could regularly acknowledge progress instead of just looking back to see it. Knowing it is progress when it happens would keep me going.
And I want to go. I want to move and grow. I don't want to be one of those people with drug cocktails, focusing so much on my failures that no amount of drugs will help, and rather only serve to reinforce notions that I am helpless. I want strength and power. And I've spent so long trying to get both on my own, and it's obvious that I can't anymore.