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January 17, 2009

My goals for the coming semester
a. Set aside time each day for vocal work
b. Expand on my musical knowledge
c. Get physically stronger
d. Stop thinking so much
e. This is the important one: have a strong sense of self regardless of whether or not the above goals are completed. Have a strong sense of self and still like myself even if I fail all my classes, get too fat, and make half the faculty think I'm a joke.

I've been working on D and E ever since I went up to Sacramento and spent time with people who weren't constantly trying to validate their existences and freaking out about where their lives are going. It made me realize just how important it is for me to be around people and simply enjoy being around them, whether or not I've completed my goals or not.
So I'm trying not to forget my goals, while also acknowledging that my happiness will not come from beating myself up or dwelling on feelings of worthlessness, but rather from trusting myself and accepting that what I attempt may not always come out how I want it to, and that I am capable of finding my way regardless of how chaotic everything seems.
This made me realize that my problem with making music may not simply be a matter of being intimidated, but rather a fundamental inability to focus for even short periods of time on anything, and the only way I've found that I can consistently make myself focus is if I have a project for school, but even that has become more tenuous lately. I feel like my mental faculties are declining and my ADHD is worsening. It's not just music making I struggle with, but also simply sitting down to watch a video online, or read a large block of text online.
I believe that this restlessness is largely from my living situation. At home, my entire world is between me and computer, and I shut myself in my room because my environment is so understimulating and so filthy that I don't touch anything besides my keyboard. So there is this loss of freedom when I come home that I cope with by depending on my computer to stimulate me, and when I'm not touching the mouse or clicking a link or chatting or jacking off, I'm being restless, because I feel so much like I don't know what to do. So when I try to focus, it's very hard, even on stupid things, like 10 minute videos. I have to constantly be doing something.
I don't want to, but since I am at a loss as to how to deal with my living situation, I think I need medication to help me focus. I'm not sure if I need meds to deal with depression, but maybe that would help, too. Or maybe meds for OCD. Maybe all of those. I don't want to be on more than one medication. I don't want to become those sloppy messes who post long lists of their meds online because they have become so uninteresting and shitty that all they can do is list off what they put into themselves.
I know I appear to be a mess because of how I live, but all my growth happens in my head, and people don't understand that. I want the growth to happen outside, but it needs to happen in my head, and I need to grow in a different way now, where I accept myself as I am and accept that even if the school doesn't want me, I can walk my own path with no exit in sight. If I trust myself, I think I will be okay.

After Sacramento, I got lost on the way home and ended up in Oakland. I called my friend and dropped by her place, and felt very content and pleased to be around her and her friends. We walked to a lake and sat for a long time and talked, and since I wasn't home, I could touch things besides computer, so I drew and drew and drew...
When we went back, I just sat and sat and sat, and since I could touch things, I played piano, and I stopped myself when I realized how what I was playing wasn't that great, but I stopped myself again to remind myself that it doesn't matter, and that if it's expressive, then I should play it. Someone stopped by and commented that it was very impressive to him, and I said I don't know what I'm doing, but he thought that was ridiculous. And I thought maybe it is, too. I played the inside of a piano, too, that was on the outside. and i realized I don't need to wait for life to validate me, as a musician, an artist, a performer, a human being. Because regardless of how it looks to someone on the outside, I can be anything right now without waiting for it, without planning for it.

A few days later, I spoke to another friend and wanted to see her because I felt very pleased about being alive, and wanted to just share that time with other people, but I think that was a mistake with her because she is so preachy that it makes it very hard to work on oneself. I'd talk about my music plans and she would start every sentence with "you need to" "you need to" "you need to". And I don't need to do anything, if I do anything it's because I want to. If I practice for two hours, it's because I want to join the music program, not because I need to. If I eat food, it's because I want to live, not because I need to. If I spend ten hours a day jacking off instead of practicing, it's because of habit and I'd rather not do it, but if I do then I'm sure as fuck going to try to not hate myself for it because I've learned that does nothing for actually motivating me to stop doing it, most certainly.
"what are you going to do in ten years?" I don't fucking know! ten years has passed and I'm still not doing all that I want to do, I'm sure worrying about the next ten years won't really make things better either, with how I overthink and stop myself from being expressive by overthinking. NO. I will FIGURE IT OUT. But that's a concept that is lost on some people, including myself sometimes. I can't KNOW what I will do in ten years because any number of things could happen. What will YOU do in ten years after your arms fall off? Oh, you're not planning on your arms falling off? I'm not planning on anything because planning has just made me insane. So if your arms fall off, and I become a smashing success, we will be even.
My goals right now are simply to get better at music, and find a way to get income and still like myself regardless of how things pan out. Survival, and expression. And I would love to be a very successful person, but I won't get there by worrying my hair white. It has gotten white, yes. I have lots of white hair from stress.

So let success come to me, because I don't know how to approach it. I will find what I love, I will walk into the darkness, and I will find my way through without trying to reach a hasty decision. trust in my mind. don't be a fool but don't be self loathing
self-confidence, at this point matters most to me.
a few days later, i went to my friend's house. was having trouble feeling good about myself because i wanted to work on music and things, but the aforementioned issues with antsiness. meds meds meds need meds?
said he'd make a drum beat and i could work on it, but unfortunately he seemed to have no drum beat for me, but rather a song he completed himself
very disappointed. second time that's happened.
his gf and her friend came over, and i realized after I left that I didn't really like being there much, because his gf was kind of pushy and mean a lot of the time, and that sort of made me very uncomfortable there. like i felt on edge the whole time, and awkward. and i haven't returned his calls today, and i think that might be why. i also realized that he usually only calls me while walking to or from work, and I think she eats away his attention, which is fine if he wants to give her that attention, but a lot of the time it seems to be because she's miserable.
so i felt uncomfortable there, and i didn't ever realize until sacramento that it's ok for me to go places where i feel comfortable, and avoid the places where i don't

in conclusion, i am going to see a dr. i am going to school to complete goals not to be validated. i need to find my path. i want to keep working on things, but anxiousness and antsiness make that hard, hence the dr. i am not going to try so hard to be a winner but rather to live now and proclaim myself to be whatever it is right now. i am anxious right now, and somewhat self-loathing, but i know that's no good for me. and if i don't do anything productive, i have to be okay with that. okay???
I will try.