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February 09, 2005
22:34

I think I saw a girl, Melissa, that I was crazy about around a year ago. I had always searched for her face. I figured I'd never see it again but I saw it in everything because I couldn't get her out of my mind; I'm not really sure why. Maybe it's because I was going through a sort of social paralysis at that time and she represented what I was too afraid to take for myself. Maybe it's because I never got to know her so she was a clean slate for me to project my ideals on. Maybe it was how bangin' her body was. It was probably all of that.

When I saw her, I searched my brain catalogue of girls whom I had associated with Melissa, either because of their blue eyes or black hair or bony facial structure or some other thing. I figured this girl may have looked so familiar because maybe I'd seen her before. Or maybe I was searching too hard again. I looked to her lower back for the star tattoo but it was obscured. She was doing some weird booty dance and laughing with another girl but I had my headphones on and couldn't hear what they were talking about. I was listening to MM's cover of Working Class Hero, which is probably dumb and inconsequential.

Afterwards, I felt a rush of anxiety and sadness, possibly because I felt like a piece of one year ago had come back and caused me to cheat on the present. I think it may have been because I never had closure so everything popped back up like new. I rarely talked to her and, when I did, it was weird.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'll get a chance to talk to her and if I do, will I sound dumb and if I don'tů I know what will happen if I don't. I think I will just try to be glad that I had a chance to see (maybe) her booty shake. Hopefully I will see it shake many more times.
Dairyland