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February 11, 2005

I already say enough inappropriate things around others as it is. When I don't sleep enough, it's outburst after outburst of offensive and unpredictable behavior. I'll make sexist remarks or repeat weird behavior because I think it's funny. I don't think most people hear me laughing at it, though, because I rarely laugh out loud and, if I do, it seems random and scary. They just hear someone saying one thing, then another seemingly unrelated thing. They don't see the humor in making anti-feminist remarks or talking about vagina and then moving around like a cartoon character. I wear myself out, too. I don't mind being weird; I just wish other people would understand that I'm just a big joke. I'm serious but I'm also constantly mocking things, whether it's myself or society's boundaries. What happens around us is so silly, like the way a man clears his throat or the sounds someone makes when they are focusing intently. How can anyone not make fun of that?

I don't like too many rules because I don't see the point in them. A lot of them seem to be there because our current social climate is a certain way and it makes people feel weird when something doesn't match. I don't excuse myself from being cordial, but I don't think I should slow down how I think, either. My unwillingness to slow down my thoughts or how fast I spit them out freaks some people out because they don't see the connections between ideas. It's a very manic-depressive way of speaking and I don't have the inclination to explain all the connections. Today I did offend someone, though, and I knew her boundaries so I apologized. Some people don't like talking about penetration and that's okay. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. I want them to be happy, but some people get uncomfortable over such silly things.

There are also people who get it. They laugh at the things I say and I don't panic and say more inappropriate things out of nervousness. I can just say the usual and they accept that. It allows me to be myself: weird/un-weird/excited/quiet/gentle. I think part of my behavior is driven by a desire to see how much people are willing to accept. I think that might be driven more by a fear of saying something "bad" than being accepted. I think that the knowledge that it would be bad to throw a dart at my friend's face drove me to pull my arm back and throw it right into his eyelid. I was only a child but, even today, I throw darts at people because I know that I'll strike most of them. It's not a sadistic act, just a way for me to search for people that I can become intimate with. I don't think it's cruel. Freddy Got Fingered, and Tom Green's humor, is misconstrued as being cruel. Even though it fucks with people, it's never meant to be mean-spirited. Are they offended because they feel they should be or what? Why does the word "nigger" offend them but "wigger" is okay? That's only an example, though, and use of either word is gay. But I think it exemplifies how people create boundaries based on what they think is okay, not on their own feelings. We'd probably have more open-minded people if they critically evaluated their world. I'm only a cartoon. Don't be offended by me. My behavior is not a sign of a more frightening person hiding beneath. Frightening people can appear as anything before anyone gets to know them. I still need to learn to be polite, though. I'm not sure if I'm right or if everyone else is. I think I might occasionally cross a line that I shouldn't cross but I also think people need to reevaluate what they're offended by. We are probably both in the wrong, wobbling back and forth like we're two parts of an inflatable clown.

I sometimes wonder if I should stay away from people who don't get it, but it's not like they are bad people. I like them. They are good people! I just have to always watch myself around them. Don't talk about abortions. Don't make cracks about spousal abuse. It's not like I find these subjects funny; I don't. But I think speaking about them a certain way or with a certain demeanor is. It's not as if I like dead baby jokes. I think they're lame and gross and aren't funny except in the sense of pushing some people's buttons. Those are buttons I'm not familiar with, though, so their being pushed doesn't affect me one way or another.

It is probably safer for those who follow the rules. Look at me. I have lived outside of the mainstream by being surrounded by retards and fuck-ups and now I am retarded and fucked up. People are scared of me because of my unpredictability. It makes me a freak. There's no glory in this martyrdom. No one thinks it's cool. No one looks at me and thinks, "that is one tormented and cool person, and I WANT TO HANG OUT WITH THEM". The tormented thing doesn't get anyone laid until they have a product to back it up with. Until then, it just makes them easier to abuse because their flaws bubble up to the surface alongside their weirdness. Their differences make them easier to target. Anyone walking the lonely path is plagued with uncertainty and self-doubt, unsure of anything until they're driven off to become respectful members of society or make it all the way through and make their abnormality work for them.

And that's all I can say about that.