September 02, 2022 •
makes me want to pull some move for attention. respond to an old message or pull out of the last game, but it's stupid. expecting any level of visibility to make her value me or make her clarify that no she really does have a good thing to say about me, i'm not all bad m not that far beneath everybody else. i think i could pull all my thoughts out and show what they all are and how they're connected and if she is still capable of responding at all she would somehow care even less that if i went on invisible like i am now.
i don't want to branch out don't want to seek a relationship everyone kills me before leaving
and it plagues the momentary distractions and makes them revolve around the nausea. the nausea doesnt matter either. almost want to ask if shes just dropping me for real but its fucking stupid. she took offense last time i asked that but after eight days of ignoring me it seems utterly fucking stupid to even ask. i felt like she disliked me a few months back and eventually asked outright despite how annoying that seems. but she gave a comforting answer but her version of reality is so fucked i don't even know if that was just a way to sidestep dealing with me because technically she doesnt buut… some mystery for me to fill in the blanks on because asking would offend her. i just want to have an emotional outburst ask if i should just quit our fucking game but why humiliate myself at someone who is probably so hardened to me at this point that it would just register as pestering.
i'm so angry and angry now.
i don't want to feel anything about this
want to forget she exists so i don't know what its like to trust anyone and talk to anyone everyday
want to forget all of it so i can be momentarily distracted, entertained
so i don't have to keep circling the drain, meaningless to her
i dread sleeping now don't want to go to sleep feeling a pain that continues through sleep passes through the wake-up and becomes worse for the next night. Nothing to look forward to.