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Running from Crumbling Atlas
September 02, 2022 • 20:51

running seemed pointless, even at the one mile mark, where I usually experience a change.

My stress kept peaking so I turned on InfoWars which helps. it's like heroin. Not really good for me. All my stress about being alone and abandoned gets so insane and disproportional for me, like I can't do anything with it besides falling into pieces under its weight, and when feelings that big and hot get the opportunity to orient themselves toward huge issues like starvation and mass death, the stress doesn't feel too big for my body anymore. It's like putting a hermit crab into a bigger shell, finally. That helped, too. In an unhealthy pathological way.

I feel better though. Not like anything is fixed. It's hard to imagine it being better when it's so bad because when trying to motivate myself to move, it's hard to imagine anything helping. Because it seems like the only thing that can help is her messaging me and saying she wants to say hi and make sure I'm not dead and that I was just being too crazy for her to know how to respond but she really wanted to and she won't leave but I just give her too much to deal with sometimes. But when that doesnt happen, it's hard to imagine anything, other than void.

But I feel like I can do the next thing without crumbling like before. I still miss her, but I can walk upright without crumbling.