August 21, 2022
My friend's other life has kind of latched onto my insecurities and general destabilization and destabilized me further. I don't know if I'm capable of anything beyond living in a room and eating fast food because I become so entrenched in misery anytime there's another person involved. The more I care about them the more miserable I become. Because everything strong I feel is undermined by how inconsequential I seem next to them. And every weakness I feel is underscored by them. Under is the word.
I like escapist power fantasies but her other life makes me feel powerless. It makes me feel like she actually lives it, and I don't, and that makes the fantasy seem more remote. More remote than it did when GamerGate happened. More hard to relate or connect. To art. To her. I'm just here now, in this geographic region more than ever, and I never wanted to be. Listening to people's accounts of street violence or gang banging just makes me feel like she's closer to them than she could ever be to me. I don't enjoy stories anymore. Her own ability to act in defense of others underscores my uncertainty about my own ability to act, and my life is such that it never gets tested. But I think back to being jumped and how I didn't retaliate and it makes me feel embarrassed me that she knows about it now. She was like a confidant before and now I just want to hide everything because everything from that life is just manifestations of things I don't know that I can be. Hearing her talk about someone she actually cares about underscores how much I don't matter. Hearing about her defending them shows how no one would care enough to do that for me. I feel embarrassed and humiliated by every instance she knows about me being treated like shit. I think about how she contextualized my treatment at work as me bringing it on myself by not knowing how to handle hazing or whatever. The humiliation of going to her with private details about being stressed out at work just became more humiliation when she seemed to be coming to the same conclusions as those who treated me that way. It makes me feel pathetic. I was just supposed to be tough enough to deal with it, not go to her. All her apparent empathy and understanding seemed to invert into disgust. I regretted sharing everything, and hearing her talk about how tough she is, and how her bf knows how to fight, and how weak I sounded, and still not knowing how I was supposed to handle anything, it all kept rolling in on itself to make me feel more humiliated every time I think about strength or being mistreated or hearing about others' strength, or hearing about people who protected someone else, or sitting in the house and thinking of killing myself, and the feeling of caring so much about feelings, I don't feel like I hold any value to her anymore because of all of this. And the fact that she doesn't see how it would make me end up feeling more isolated or humiliated just makes me feel more isolated. I thought she understood me to the point that I couldn't be humiliated, but her understanding of me plus her response to my feeling of being targeted at work humiliated me in a way that has yet to end. Like I didn't feel respect anymore. And it was both from people who barely know me and someone who knows more about me than anyone. Just humiliation nonstop. As painful as life has been in the past, I felt like just around the corner or if you knew more about me you could see my value. And it just turns out that turning the corner makes people hate me or feel disgust or annoyance. When I share more of myself it makes me easier to hurt. I don't feel like I have anything to offer anymore. And when I hear about tough people or fighting or I watch any action movie, I just think of what she actually likes in people, what she is in other life, and I don't feel like I have anyone I can be close with anymore because I'm whatever this is. I'm this.
it has made me feel horribly wronged whenever i'm not getting any sort of positive feedback or attn. it makes me seem irrational and angry about nothing. which is probably also true. but being starved for something good just makes you starve more. that hungry ghost thing.