August 23, 2022
Stress has kind of reached a peak but I don't know what to do in order to solve it besides just consuming until I have no more money left, followed by numbing myself to a death in isolation.
Friend's bf is in sf. so am i but I'm stuck here, not visiting.
got a bill for two appointments for almost two thousand dollars for an issue that was supposed to be solved in a day and is just non fucking stop. i don't know how to pay rent aside from humiliating myself in front of my parents. if they weren't alive i guess i just would go live in my car until that breaks down too. feel like i cant talk to my friend because the bitterness at my station just ramps up super fast whenever i get run over by all the bullshit. stuff i didnt even know i was failing at because no one showed me a way out. stress over money i don't know how to make. bitter that her bf can travel to where i'm trapped and she spends ten thousand dollars on something when i cant scrounge together anything. i don't know what to do next. anything i feel capable of doing is slow and everything closing in on me is so fast. i feel like such an utterly fucked up idiot and getting help from people seemed ok before but everyone is stretched thin and i feel ashamed. all the time. feel ashamed for not knowing what to do. i just keep thinking of exiting somehow. like i blew it i blew up my life and i'm just supposed to stop living when life becomes too hard and i don't know a path toward making it less hard and i don't feel comfortable telling my friend how hard it is anymore because she made me feel so tucking stupid and i'm just bitter at everyone who can spend money on anything that isn't rent and gas and fast food. i don't think i'd have much left over if i just ate rice from today onward. so it seems pointless to even stop indulging myself. i'm not even cognitively angry at her i'm just angry in general and bitter in general. i hate how people who are struggling still seem to have more options than i do. i just keep idealizing suicide because i don't know a way out and i cant talk to her anymore about how horrible this all feels every day. everything i feel is just a reminder that i'm not like her i'm not like someone she would seek out that i'm not someone who can be relied on that i'm not someone who can help that i'm not someone who can travel to the place that i'm stuck that i'm just here because i was here before.
Sometimes I think if she knew everything I was thinking she'd be more understanding, but the last time i unlocked my dairy i felt so stupid and embarrassed by her response which seemed cold and possibly irritable. i don't know, it was a few months ago. i remember how it felt not what she said
each time i write a new entry on my iPod i copy some more from the archive to the Dairy so it can catch up. i hope that by the time i have them all up i am better and happier and more reliable and more secure and she says something nice to me because i plan to unlock it when they're all up and i don't want to be embarrassed by writing all of this. i also feel disgust followed by relief whenever i see the geolocation from that last job in the unpublished entries. it makes me feel so relieved not to be there. not having a way to pay my rent besides begging—and i'm kind of worried that won't work but i don't have a plan b—is still more tolerable than going back there. they make me sick. i hate their sounds. i hate their smells. not like they stank or anything. i just hated smelling them. i hated everything about that place by the time they threw me out. i feel so relieved not to be there.