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June 4, 2022
My friend talked to me today and I responded then kept responding.

Was really nice to talk to her. She's so important to me I kind of can't stand it.

She kind of reinforced what she said before which killed my vibe. I probably enabled it though. Because I always look for something wrong, and it hit me really hard when I went into my mom's house to find piles of expensive takeout dumped in the sink, after I cleared it, flies circling in the living room, swarming the sink. It made me so angry. And the dog. And all of that disgust and anger at all the destruction and pain my mother causes, carved a pathway for my friend's words to hurt me more. My mother's house carved out the positive feelings left in me, dumped em on top of the rotting kitchen pile, terminated the better end of the mood swing so that I just alternated between despair and anger and hate. So the pain came back, just like my worthless job has made it hard to ever feel relaxed, making it harder to distinguish between someone who cares about me and someone who hates me.

What my friend said has been hurting, but sometimes it didn't hurt tonight. So after telling her so, I deleted the message. I figure if I'm having mood swings, I can at least avoid reinforcing the painful ones and ensuring that I definitely make them swing that way more. Sometimes I feel so insulted by what she said and it makes me feel foolish for talking like she didn't, and the way she doesn't seem concerned about it, or the way it's just what she thinks, or the commentary on how my taking it poorly is a reflection of another failing. I don't even mean it's necessarily untrue. Just that if I'm a piece of shit, I at least want my most trusted friend to see me as more than that and default to thinking good things about me. I think I was also making her feel despair or something and that made it come out a certain way. I don't know if that counts for anything. Because it's not like she called me a name, it's like she kept cutting off different parts of me and every time I tried to replace one with another, she cut me off from that, too, so I was only left with a mess to clean up, one that I had become too uncomfortable to share with her.

But if I look past all that, try to look at the better end of the mood swing, I was glad to talk to her. I love how she uses words when they're not wielded against me.