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i am a microwave burrito and i need to be warmed.
May 28, 2022
talked to my friend a little bit today. about nothing. thinking of killing myself over and over again. i hurt my ankle when i thought about it earlier like i'm being punished for suicidal ideation. i shouldn't do it. i feel almost horny but it is stamped down by this black and heavy sick feeling. hate how nice it felt to talk to her every day before. dont want to ask her how she is because the jealousy that irritated her is all i have left. i have nothing to look forward to or be excited about. all i have is the absence of the things that made me less crazy, that made me feel important to her and a part of her life, that made everything else feel less wounding and overwhelming. i keep thinking of how all these feelings would just translate to me being weak, meaning nothing, i'm supposed to be strong and at the same time not compare myself. now all i have are comparisons because everything from her underscores that i don't matter, the absence of sharing everything underscores how little it matters. today i just kept thinking of how she said this thing in her life is the most important thing to her. repeating in my head. thinking about how sickening and bleak this feels and how little it matters, especially next to the most important thing. if anything it's probably nice not to deal with me because any issue i would bring up to her is just thrown back at me as something i need to fix, something i should have fixed by now, so i just keep spiraling out of control where no one can hear, no one can see.