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Department of Indulgence
May 28, 2022
I think indulgence, order, discipline is a hierarchy. All of them can require a degree of discipline past a certain point, like entertaining myself rather than choosing to stay in bed can require more motivation than it should. But anyway I think order is a byproduct of discipline, and the goal of naming Discipline tasks is recognizing that these things require an uncommon amount of energy and to keep going after one task rather considering it equally difficult as an Order task, realizing the Order tasks are easier to reach and become gratifying after starting whereas Discipline tasks take longer and are the gratification is less obvious, so accomplishing a few Order tasks a day is likely, only really difficult to get out of the house and actually sit down, and that the goal of pursuing a Discipline task is to downgrade/upgrade it into an Order task: less intimidating, smaller hurdles to overcome, become braver, build a precedent, which makes it more manageable so that it can be considered alongside Order tasks rather than requiring such inordinate energy. The payoff is not necessarily obvious and it may not be in a form I recognize, and that's a big part of what makes it a Discipline task rather than Order, or Discipline tasks can involve thinking about or articulating things I despise, so that is part of the major hurdles that can potentially be broken down. The goal is to pursue the Discipline task without knowing if it will pay off or not, and make it so I don't have to think too hard about it. Lately I have been depressed, so even getting out to run or get fast food requires some discipline. I just did mat workout which was nice but past the starting barrier it doesn't require too much discipline. If I get to run, read, draw today that will be Order. Seeking work, keeping a timeline of the hell world at work will require some disciplined, but not as difficult as making the phone calls yesterday. For those tasks, it's more about disgust and hate more than any other barrier. I hate having them encroach on my thoughts. Part of overcoming can mean facing things that disgust me. I can manage this by working on isolating the task from others, acknowledging its ugliness, but just like the disgust is just another factor that makes it difficult rather than just feeling disgusting and reacting to the disgust. The payoff can be making these fuckers burn (metaphorically; I am not going to harm anyone spiritually or physically, but I will make them fall into the bureaucratic hellhole they have repeatedly tried to drop me in).

15:49 I think maybe it is the number of factors that go into a Discipline task that make it harder. I go beyond not just hesitation or demotivation, but fear, disgust, feelings of inadequacy, rage, fatigue, detachment from things that comfort me, time management, loneliness, attention, an invisible goal, anger anger mad.