May 06, 2022
Dont feel like my friend is who she used to be.
Don't feel like she can be supportive of me like she used to be.
Feel like any amount she used to care about me doesnt exist here anymore and isn't directed toward me anymore.
Like everything just went cold here.
Not sure if its just because I close myself off too much or because she's deposited all her warmth elsewhere.
But every time I open up too much or try to give her the support she gave me, I just feel indifference and sometimes irritation in response.
So maybe I was supposed to be warmer years ago and now that I try not to be more appreciative it's in a dead abandoned wasteland.
Would have preferred these feelings to emerge before I tried an SSRI. Feeling abused at work definitely seems real but I'm not sure if it hurts me this much because I tried a drug that turns some people into fucking maniacs. Not sure if anything in my friendship that seems dead or dying is such. I feel very cold about everything. So I think that means it's not the Rx for me, should try something else. Or wait for the feelings to pass and try it again. But the targeted harassment at work and the cold distance in my friendship make it hard to see if I'm mostly having a bad response that I can look forward to ending, or if it just means my life sucks, my job sucks, my friendship's dying and I should look forward to MY end. haha just kidding.
I figured sharing my own experience with alienation and being targeted could help her out with her own situation. Being supportive and reliable is always a good way to manage being overwhelmed. Being a source of stability for a friend, especially her. But she's doing fine. Relationship is fine, isn't feeling alienated by her own situation, just doesn't need my input and sharing my situation with her only serves to pile more dirt over the hole I've burrowed into while she leaves anything resembling my experience far back in the past, piled on top of the hole. So I end up feeling useless. Like I'm not reliable and stable as a mate and I'm not someone who can connect over a shared bad experience like a friend. Like theres nothing to make me feel that I haven't been cast out of reality. down in a hole. can i please help someone. i want to be good for something. i want to help. i want to be someone
there are parallels to situations that have contaminated much of my life before. At some point I felt like my mom just didn't care anymore. If I had better situational awareness maybe I could understand what was happening when I started feeling that way. But I feel like I just became too much for her to deal with. too unpredictable or just too needy. So I stopped talking to my mom as much when my workplaces started just becoming these eight hour long tortures and humiliations. I guess I didn't work before, I just lived with mom. Maybe trying to pay my own bills instead of letting her take my government money and eke it out to me made everything worse. Anyway, one day it just seemed like I had used up all her mothering, and I needed to figure everything out on my own. So feels like I'm experiencing that again with friend. Like I ran out of coins. ran out of parent coins. ran out of female warmth coins.
also had feelings of insecurity around sibling. like i'm a 1:1 comparison with sibling and everything people would compare on me would always look worse. like whatever good i did was bounced off of sibling to make me look worse. and whatever bad i did was all absorbed by me. because i just saw sibling as objectively better. now i feel that way with my friend's bf. like hearing about how he can buy a car for fun, and it superimposes over my life to show what my friend admires or can have and that i dont have it and i inspire indifference in friend, no one else admires me, and on the contrary they detest me. they want me to be unhappy, they want to hurt me. thats my midlife crisis. just anonymous beat down occurring every day until i sideload another shitty job or keep going to this one while they talk about me and complain about me and hold meetings about me and turn every waking moment into a nauseous struggle to keep moving, to stand upright, uncollapsed. and when i'd make a mistake or hit a wall or just freak out or do nothing at all by not cleaning my mom's house every day, my sibling would email me to tell me i'll get whats coming to me, or they'll destroy my life and send me to jail, or i'll go to hell for what i've done or sibling would physically choke me and tell my mother i'm draining her that i'm an invalid that i'm killing her. never interacted with my friends bf but somehow that entire sibling experience got superimposed onto this sort of model created specifically to show me that i dont have anything for myself and by extension have nothing for anyone else.
so i kind of tried fishing for compliments but didn't get any. i wanted her to message me because i figured any conversation would make this feel less painful, but everything she said and her indifference to what i'm going through just reinforced that i dont belong anywhere anymore. i always rely on friends to kind of make the future seem less bleak because i bought the bullshit about how having kids just sucks. so i never planned for it. i lost several other people and didnt know how to get more, always feeling outside of the glass, looking in at people who relate to each other or have issues or careers or things they care about, and now i dont have a family because the bullshit narrative is that families are just bullshit and by the time i realized i should have had one, i had one consistent friend left and she seemed to begin fading away and becoming someone else who doesn't really care to fix my problems who isn't bothered when i'm bothered and i cant tell if its for real or if i've just poisoned myself, with medication or some psychic self-injury. not sure if i should even try because when i try and feel like i get nothing in return, it just makes the resentment and isolation grow. not sure if i'm getting nothing or imagining. dont know. really dont know.
sometimes it feels so good to talk to friend and when it stops feeling good, i feel like i was really just having a conversation with myself and she was there just because she happened to be on the other end of the box i was typing in.
i hope it feels good soon. she has been like an antidote to every shitty work situation or every fucked up family situation. and that's what made me really appreciate her this year, after so many years of not realizing what i had. but now its like everything has become one situation, a big situation that happens to me, that i dont manage or influence, that there is no comfort anywhere.