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a moment of calm.
May 07, 2022

I hate the way work anxieties follow me to my private time.

Been having a really hard time getting horny. I dont know if its the SSRI. Think it's been about a week since I took it. I really dont like medications still, it seems. I dont mind when they affect me as i take them, but I find repulsive the idea of something that morphs me over time and then, even if I stop taking it, leaves me that way with a long cooldown period before I become who I am without it. I thought I gave up on the idea of a true self because of how many other chemicals and events change us. But apparently I still find it disturbing to change the self semi-permanently with medication taken regularly. I managed to get aroused last night by looking at my friend. think that means they're very important to me. but people underestimate the meaning of horniness. But it was brief. But it was instant too. So maybe that means it's 100% mental. Which is kind of scary because it feel impossible for the most part. I figure i'll wait until I feel horny. Then I'll try the meds again. But right now I feel like so unhorny and it really sucks because I like looking forward to being alone and just getting super into buttfuckin or somethin.

So I was haunted on my two days off. Days I'm supposed to be free. Because the snitching and conspiring reached a sort of apex, but I guess there's really no end to that sort of thing. It creates genocide and surveillance states. And then as time goes on and after a few million people die, it becomes a yearning for those with communist DNA.

it feels so big to me but so trite that i dont even want to articulate it. Because the feeling of pressure and surveillance bearing down on me is so heavy and uncomfortable and stressful, and I figure articulating the technicalities of it will not convey my discomfort. And there are so many details that have assembled this discomfort over time. But ok.

so the main thing that stressed me out on my days off was this new rule that applies only to me. On the campus is a washing machine and I use it once per week. Other people also use it frequently. The Guy uses it and leaves his wet shit sitting around for a week at a time until someone has to move them. The busty latina i want to use uses it for her socks and work clothes. my previous manager, from the old department, uses it for his work clothes plus his personal items, along with pocket change and floss and other shit. Sometimes I've found screws and a socket wrench or something. Just filthy and full of shit and always being abused. So when I'm not using the machines, I check on them and take pride in picking up the slack. Gathering the pebbles out of the washer drum, scrubbing the ink, usually running the self-clean cycle at the end of the day.

i'm sorry this is boring i just don't want to talk about it all the time i just figure if i put everything down that should be enough. its not even enjoyable to type on a phone but been stressed out today so i want to type it out.

so up until recently I've trusted my previous manager. I would hear about how hes an asshole to people but I kind of assumed the best of him and would kind of stick up for him. Not blindly. But when my coworker felt very targeted by him, more than anyone else, even though she was doing all this work, and I've seen her work and even though she's a stoner, she's competent and has an attention to detail. Unfortunately I think detail oriented people are undermined by low resolution people who can't recognize SHIT besides what they told the person to do. Like if I'm sent on a task, I'll run out of time. even though i'm really trying and skipping breaks and really really trying. Because I try to do it right without compromise. Which means working on it until realizing there's no time then scrambling then not finishing in time, partially because i'm the only employee here, then being blamed. So I'd kind of stick up for my old manager by just saying maybe it's a misunderstanding or something that can be managed before taking it to the next level. But I was wrong he's 100% a piece of shit. Stoner also told me this horrible shit he would say about me. It seemed out of character considering how nice he would be to my face. But now the person behind my back is in my face. After the old manager started talking to my current manager while they both look over at me in a disapproving sort of way, I started receiving more reports of snitching and spying. One day the manager showed up making a beeline to my remote break spot. Where I go to have privacy because I hate being scrutinized and judged and complained about. Back when I was in the old department, apparently somebody from the current department said I was just spending all day around the trees not doing any work. What I was doing was working in the region, breaking, then resuming work pretty seamlessly. So to some shithead who cant mind his business, I was just there all day doing nothing. I think that shithead was my current managery. And now that I have this shithead as my manager, in a sickening sort of reversal, he gets reports of me taking breaks that go on too long and he shows up to where I want privacy and just bothers me for no fucking reason, except to show me that he knows where I am. I have missed so many breaks because I was trying to finish his tasks in time and ended up hurting myself anyway, which he also resents. And if I took an extra long break it was probably because I worked through an earlier one. I dont think he's happy that I reported that his bullshit ended up hurting my back to the point that I needed to take substantial amounts of time off from the tasks and get physical therapy.

meanwhile now that the old and new managers talk like some ugly siamese, like i said at some point in that text blob, the previous manager just scowls at me when I wave at him. He allegedly accuses me of stealing his laundry pods. I use Tide Pods not his Gayn knockoff shit. He also allegedly complains about me using the public restroom in his department, and says I use the washer every day. I'm guessing that's because I'm cleaning it after people like him wreck it every day.

So last week the biggest manager said I'm not allowed to do laundry anymore. He's not invested in it hes just passing it along because someone said i'm washing all this personal stuff and at inappropriate times!!! But it wasn't even obvious why i'm the one receiving this rule because i dont do anything different from anyone else and i take care of the area. I said that the old manager just scowls at me like hes pissed off all the time but that doesnt matter to him. Before this, he received reports I was spending alllll this time over in my private spot. So I spent my two days off stressing about this. Because I need to do laundry. I used to do it anytime with the current manager's blessing, but once he got really pissy about it so I started limiting use to break times. Kind of stressed me out at first but it was fine once I figured out a good method. I also use my own detergents and stuff and when I wash personal stuff it's piggybacking on work stuff. Sometimes I'd just throw something personal in, using my own detergent, but that's rare and for the sake of making my case it never happens. So I'm not doing anything differently than anyone else but I think they have some fucked up narrative built up. And I really do wonder if its some vax-related mental illness. Because it's like they embody hatred and malice. Like two irritable guys who shit talked too much ramping it up to 11 and just being consumed by how much they hate me. Self awareness is difficult for me so I just try to keep everything in the acceptable parameters, i.e. sticking to breaks and only having personal stuff with work stuff. But I mean this has been such a casual place. Boss fucking employee, drinking on the job, using the on-site car wash for personal use. Super casual. And now its like that's changed, but just for me.

ok so i did everything by the book today but i'm not stopping doing laundry when no one else is ordered to do the same. that makes it a punishment. that makes it unfair and they should have to write it out and articulate why the rules are different for me and that they're going to enforce the rules for others. because it just seems to come from hatred. so i was really nervous about being surveiled while doing what i always do. but it was so much worse and unsettling than i was ready for. old manager wasn't working today but the current one was. and even though i was pretty on point with a lot of things and even working within his line of sight much of the time, he still was doing weird fucking shit. i saw him driving to the other side of campus. like not in his jurisdiction. heading to where i take my breaks when im not using break time for washing. later turns out he was looking for me but said NOTHING to me anytime i was around. he was just LOOKING. i guess he wanted to reenact making a beeline for me when i think i have a sacred moment and make me feel like i'm being watched. this was unsettling to me. it fit his other behavior too. which has to be considered when understanding that it made me uncomfortable. looking into the stoner chick's car even though hes not her manager and calling the police on her for having a pipe. acting like him noticing i hadn't logged in to clean an office was a gotcha moment when i wasn't trying to hide anything i just ran out of time. definitely added to the mistrust and paranoia about him though. the snitching about my breaks to my previous managers. the time when items in my personal locker had been disturbed. the aforementioned beelining. complaining about my performance on the first day. i feel like i'm missing something but maybe that's just because he gives off a persistent invasive mist that seems to be following no matter what. like a really shitty pokémon knockoff. i like Pokémon and i like bees so it bothers me to attribute their characteristics to his shitty invasive stalking behavior. shitline

so that was the first shitty moment. the looking for me. and i guess he got a lot of mileage out of the next shitty moment because after it happened i wanted to run away. thought i'd just walk out on the spot if he said anything. or that i'd just tell the big manager i dont want to work with current manager anymore he makes me uncomfortable. so after hearing that he was looking for me and telling the informant they're always mad at me for some reason even though i dont do anything they dont do and i try to keep everything within the rules so i dont run afoul, there the manager emerges out of nowhere like he was just listening. looking way too hard in my direction. then i go to my trunk to get my pizza. should have been a great occasion. then i look and he's just fucking staring at me at my trunk. maybe his gotcha there is that i use work garbage bags. dont think it would matter to him before but now anything is an opportunity for him to be creepy and invasive and say why i'm not actually doing any work even though i'm the only employee and when i do only his tasks that means i have to clean 4x as much the next time because it gets out of hand because he doesnt bother keeping it up. but anyway i always return the bags to the trash cans when i use them. i dont steal. well i didnt. now i do. when i need toilet paper its mine because fuck these petty shitty losers. so ok hes staring at me and hovering around way too much around an area he doesnt normally frequent. last time he was in this area, he was talking about me, in front of eberyone, telling the other department not to allow me to take breaks over there, to send me back when they see me there, sitting alone on my phone annotating youtube videos trying to enjoy a moment of calm. then he just keeps lingering around. talking to the informant, who was just telling me how this creep was looking for me for no reason. then he's by the drier. just staring at my socks and underwear. just trying to tell if its my clothes or not and how much can he fuck with me if i dared break this new rule that applies only to me and no one else because these two bloated shitheads decided to get together and make me into an enemy that they constantly talk about and connive over. i tried to just sit in the atv and have my pizza because the loaner car is gross. normally i eat in my car like its a safe space pod. but today i wanted to sit in the atv and have my back to everyone and just sit alone and eat pizza. i took a nice pizza picture for my friend but she hasn't talked to me much today. feel like that's just dying. but thats how i feel the rest of the time. if normally talk to her at length about this stuff but i feel like shes just… gone. so i have to just be in this situation and share it with no one. want a friend.

so the manager is just standing around. looking at me whenever i'm not looking at him i guess. i thought that was it, but i remember now. i think i know what set me off, was realizing that wherever i went he seemed to be in an optimal position to stare at me. i walked to the washer to stand and eat and realized hes standing right fucking with direct line of sight. the atv wasn't private, and was even closer to him. thought of standing in front of the building but that was uncomfortable and in direct sunlight. i was so enraged. my heart was racing and i felt sick to my stomach just totally nauseous at this guy's presumed right to follow me on my breaks. so i went back to my loaner to put the pizza back in a bag. too sickened to eat. and as i'm approaching my car he's walking up to my car. pretending to be busy doing other shit. but just walking straight to my car. to find something for him to use against me. like this guy's m.o. is just monotonous and totally invasive and disturbing. infuriating. maybe i should have stood back and seen what he does and taken a picture, but i was already close and i think i just slowed down, to test him, see what the fuck he thinks hes doing. and as i hang back and he sees me he just pivots and goes the other way. this enraged me. i value my personal time so much. and i hate work so much. and this piece of shit is turning every moment of my free time into an opportunity for him to gather evidence for the fucking vendetta he has going on for whoever he decides needs Hell relentlessly raining down on them for the time being, bearing down. he just kept staring. like none of his fucking business. i spent additional time on my lunch break which i imagined he would use against me. but i was spending more time because i was taking notes and timestamping all of his fucked up creeping impish behavior. and i took more time because i wanted to park my vehicle even further away, to be freed of this invasive grip he wants over my time, free and otherwise. where it would be even more obvious when he attempts something fucked up. by the fucking way lately i've been finding scratches on my main car. i figured it could be somebody but was hopefully just a product of, like, my dragging stuff out and being careless. now considering how shitty and inappropriate this guy is i wonder if he just fucks with my car when he knows i'm not nearby. wish i could know for sure and fucking sue him and this evil fucking place. so i drove my car further away, parked, fuck this guy. and when i got back go the atv i punched a garbage can, knocking it over. blood streaming down my hand. somehow. i skinned three knuckles and the blood just kept coming. i put on three bandages and wore a glove the rest of the day.