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December 08, 2021
Worked an extra day today even though I felt sick all week, figuring I can tough it out, get paid, and do low-intensity work. But the volunteer decided to suggest a way we could clean the hundreds-of-feet long things instead of outsourcing to a professional. He ended up doing the least amount of work too. I was plagued with angry thoughts much of the time because I didn't feel comfortable putting my headphones on until the volunteer showed up to do something. So it was nice to be able to push the voices out of my head.

I don't normally work with both both managers, and noticed something new. When Super Manager was around I was practically paralyzed with indecision and uncertainty. I didn't understand what they were doing so I was just kind of standing by and he's like "Can you help." and I just felt nervous and uncomfortable that any move I did would just be stupid and I was arguing with him in my head telling him I don't know what they're fucking doing it why they moved the truck or what the goal is or whether my help would just get in the way, I came to this department to help with a few specific things and then just got pushed into doing shit I don't understand and don't know what the fuck "help" even means right now because I don't know what you're doing. And then the whole time I was trying to clean this thing in mid-air while it keeps being jerked away. Like sorry I'm not used to any of this bullshit.

Even though Regular Manager is bipolar and gets super testy I was much more responsive when working with him, I didn't feel like I was always steps behind. So that's a testament to how fucking much I hate working under the Super Manager just like I was worried about when he raped my schedule.

Maybe it's my fault, I don't know, but Regular Manager would let me use the office after hours and Super Manager wrote a stern email about how it's unacceptable. Maybe if you treat people like they're not capable, or like they're stupid, they just shut down. Not like I try to, but it is hard to do anything when I'm scared.

My barber walked up to me at the laundromat and hit me with her butt. I'm rarely physical with anyone so was nice. I was thinking of last time I saw her, after my haircut when we just sat and watched Mike Tyson Mysteries, how weird it felt. like is this allowed. I hadn't just been in someone's place watching TV with them in a long time. I was self-conscious when reading comments making fun of some guy for considering his barber in his circle of friends, but being around her reminds me of being around the friends I used to have.

Dog's health has been bad. I don't want him to die. Didn't expect him to die. And now that I've seen so many people in the medical industries look at outsiders like they're morons, I worry about him seeing a vet who's like "oh yeah obviously it's time to put him down why wouldn't we" because they don't take anyone else seriously.

I'm stopping by once a day even when tired or feeling unwell. Just trying to make his life good.