Older Previous~Next
in my car parked and typing
November 16, 2021
Think it's third night of drafting e-mail and feel totally incompetent and everything seems fake and gay. I don't know moderation or how to approach this right. I feel like I stumbled upon it once but now the self-doubt and overwhelming amount of information just makes me feel like I have no good angle and I'm stupid and should be permanently drugged by the government. But I spent one hour just trying which is good. But I don't want to keep banging my head against it when there's smarter ways to do it and learn and get better. Like when I tried to work on music and I didn't know the right angles so it didn't seem to improve, even though I was at the computer and working on it and committing. Or when I played Apex for a year, improved, and then realized one day that target practice in the range made me improve more drastically. I feel so aimless and it's so much work to make myself do anything that I don't understand when repetition is working and when it's just repetition. I don't know if my work tonight will translate to anything or if it's just aimless busywork. Wish l could see results anytime I spend a while at something, but I don't know what to look for or what it feels like or what means anything I wish I could just consistently improve and know I'm improving.

going to go to wendy's