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August 14, 2021

Today used to be the last day of the work week; now it's the first and I hate it.

My favorite part of the week, more than any leisure sort of activity, became folding my clothes in the meeting room and watching something on my phone after work. It kind of felt like an oasis in a world of mental sickness and indecision. But the manager complained about me staying late to his manager subordinate but it wasn't some hard rule and I asked the latter if it was okay to still do, which it was. But it sucked more because I couldn't just relax anymore, and I was rushing to get everything folded before it got too late. Last week, I just prepped my work uniforms, put some site-specific items away in my cubby hole, and got out or there as soon as possible after my run, but I went back to use the bathroom. NOT OKAY.

When I checked my e-mail on the way to clean their shitty bathrooms, I was told I may not stay after hours, like at all. I wrote back an apology, saying I was prepping my uniforms because I don't have a table at home and will use the public restrooms from now on and thank you for telling me!!! fuck. fuck!!!!!!!!!

And I lost it. I probably threw the bottle first, or maybe the hose, and I just kept working and then threw something else. It's like a quiet rage that doesn't seem to have any buildup. It's just always there and being told somethint like that made the rage emerge. My anger is like a heart rate monitor. A flat line that spikes. Throw the bottle down, cleaner everywhere, back to work for a few minutes, then throw the squeegee like a javelin into the back of the closet, pick something up, then violently throw it to the ground, then back to normal. Eventually I rationalized it and calmed down, and then I was depressed.

here is my list of reasons i hate this
  • I don't like being told what to do.
  • I don't like my dread of working with him being validated by him seemingly scrutinizing me harder even when he isn't fucking there.
  • I don't like a source of stability and order being destroyed.
  • I don't like being watched.
  • I don't think I did anything out of the ordinary for the workplace on the specific day in question. Prior to that I had stayed much later but got uncomfortable with the scrutiny and essentially the issue seems to be that I used the bathroom two hours after closing
  • I don't feel like I have skills that would be valued anywhere else, somewhere that would make me enough money to survive for more than a month at a time, and afford more than a room without a table so that I could fold my clothes there instead.
  • a rare moment of serenity taken from me
  • being talked to like i'm stupid and beneath him
  • not knowing if i'm stupid and beneath him.
  • i can't provide for myself or anyone else
  • that girl doesnt tell me she loves me anymore or talk to me and she doesnt care
  • being treated as more of a suspect and a criminal than the suspicious criminals he regularly welcomes as clients
  • having a privilege that isnt afforded to the rest of the public taken away, to watch the bay at night and see the tides drop and darkness fall, and to be relegated into the status of the public and enjoy no privileges and not be trusted
  • last time i was there later than i meant to be, i drove out to look at the water but didnt feel very comfortable because i felt like maybe hed watch me. but i figured im not doing anything wrong i just want to look at something beautiful with no bullshit for a few minutes before i leave. i was probably being scrutinized for that too.
  • the first time he complained was after i drove home, realized i left an energy drink in the freezer, and drove back fifteen miles to take it out so it wouldn't make a mess for them to clean up the next day. but he saw me on the fucking cameras so that was the first time he complained and i would have been better off leaving a fucking mess for him to clean up
  • when i am put in my place by someone who i would normally not be drawn to or interested in in any way i realize how horrifyingly out of place i feel in this life. like i have such interests in things but dont feel smart or clever enough to pursue anything. and so im left cleaning urine and then when its tolerable, its made intolerable again by this and i hate it so much and i fucking hate myself i hate having this mind in this life and being trapped in this stupid world and just have everything that i could potentially use for a career be a messy pointless mess on the office floor that im being told to fucking clean up
  • i hate the anticipation and stress of working with him tomorrow and days following
  • i want to fuck cute girls
  • want to mean something to people
  • i want to be somewhere else

  • Dairyland