April 10, 2020
18:53
Was supposed to play Apex Legends with my Apex Bro tonight but she disappeared while I was waiting for a mandatory update to install. I was playing the game and she was on too and we just couldn't play with each other because everyone is required to fucking update all the time.
I played by myself and then I became very drained and lethargic. I guess the emails my sibling sent me earlier hit me. That I contribute nothing of value to the world, that I make everything worse, that karma will get me and that I'll go to Hell when I die.
I hope my Apex Bro comes back online.
Made me realize my overreactions to small events are probably largely because when I don't get to distract myself how I want, or see someone I havent't seen in a long time, I look back at the shapeless mass that constitutes my life's foundation. I dread going to work even though nothing is particularly wrong there. I just hate being looked at. I hate how my gender makes me a strawman I have nothing in common with. By default I interfere with other people's success because of how I look and sound. I dont want to exist to them. I want to be left alone because it burns my skin every time people look at me. I can't handle being formerly good looking now ugly or nothing at all. I sit outside of all their social events especially the ones with the chick I'm fixatedish on. I try to keep it in perspective, that I don't especially admire other people so it shouldn't hurt when they don't particularly respect me, but it does. I recently became better acquainted with a young lesbian and I do kind of think she's actually interesting and cool, and she does like me. So maybe that matters.
My life is on this perch on top of a formless mass, and when I'm not propped up or admired by others, I just fall into the swamp of worthlessness, ugliness, self-loathing. I suppose the sequence of emails affirming all that just made me see why that's the foundation, why that's what I have to face when I don't have podcasts running or I'm playing games or whatever. Distraction became the only means of not staring down a life-long suicide.
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