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April 28, 2020

Came into work yesterday really tensed up. As usual, in the dust-filled box I live in, I ran out of space and was knocking over and spilling things right when I was supposed to be leaving.

Was dreading work because expected the woman in charge to be there. I think she’s a misandrist and I don’t think she regards people in lower classes highly.

But when I came in it was nice and the person in charge was cool about it.

Today I was less tense but when I saw that same person she just seemed pissed off and I’d forgotten to turn a hose off the night before and I felt like such a miserable fuckup. And I think she saw me similarly. Sees me. Everyone fucking sees me and I want to disappear. I used to think just having a job would be better than unemployment, that I would at least be employed. But being employed makes me feel less than even more. Somehow.

Before work I was playing a Sam Hyde video in which he talked about the most petty fucked up people working in the sort of more standard issue jobs he used to have, and how if it’s a job where people are competitive then it makes things more miserable. I thought about it and realized that my job is constantly competitive. For the higher positions, and that I’m not irrational when I get upset about making mistakes, I just see every error or social misstep as another condemning to the bottom of this work hierarchy, which is also at the bottom of career hierarchies. It’s so upsetting and humiliating every time, and I know they’re biased toward specific genders they want in more positions of power, and the way to be a plain person with anxiety in my body is to pretend to be someone else if I can’t be someone better.

I also thought about the recent situation with a coworker putting garbage in my locker.