December 12, 2019
20:57
Just fell asleep because being alone is hitting me extra hard. Friend keeps mentioning their own relationship and I keep seeing all these examples of people that actually fuck, and I keep thinking of how the chick at work treats me and how the person she’s with actually looks and how I seem to be below the minimum of what anyone tolerates in terms of attractiveness. Seeing her with her partner messed me up more than I expected, and I expected it to be bad.
A while ago, I spiraled out of the world and into isolation and felt kind of like maybe it wasn’t so bad because I thought she was treating me like I wasn’t revolting, but now I realize how I’m really being treated and the world is colder than it seemed before and that I’m really not going to be touched again and everything that seemed real wasn’t real, it was just a layer of comfort I placed over interactions that didn’t signal any interest in me. Anyway it’s really hard tonight and I’m not ready to be elderly yet, but I feel like I’ve reached the social class of an elderly person without family, untouchable, non-viable, dying. I’m not ready to be this.
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