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December 01, 2019

I've felt so small and insignificant compared to everyone else lately. I figured that might be due to getting older and out of shape, but when I felt kind of flirted with, it kind of went away. Now I'm not confident that was real. Whatever.

I forget constantly, I mean I always remember, but I kind of brush it aside as one factor of many, that my mom filed a police report about me, lied to me about it, and kicked me out into the driveway where I lived for half a year in my car. It seems like one shitty event in a series of other shitty events, losing my social network, being jumped by an internet stalker, and getting older while still feeling pretty low on a social hierarchy. I was thinking of it, today, though. How the chick I'm fixated on called me emotional, and it made me really mad, ha ha. Like you're not supposed to be emotional or vulnerable, no matter how much the media tells us we're supposed to be, because whenever we are, the outcome is always mockery and exile. A year ago, when I spoke more candidly, she was saying the usual line about being yourself, who cares what people think, and then she said that other thing to make fun of me more recently. Made me really not want to be myself at all.

I haven't been right since my mom did that to me. She did a lot to me over the years, messed with my head, made me dependent, but that broke me. I hate to write it because I feel like saying that makes me weaker, makes me more vulnerable to breaking, but my whole view of everything sort of degenerated after that. Playing games is a challenge because I just don't want to have fun, I think about dying a lot, I think about disease a lot, I look at everything around the screen and I look through it. I want to look at porn, but I constantly compare the people onscreen to myself. I want to look at women, but I compare myself to the people they like. It used to not really matter to me. Like I figured I had good qualities and that attracted them. Now I don't feel like I have any good qualities. My personality is just this non-factor because I don't look like what they look at. I'm totally preoccupied with how I look.

I think it is several factors, but the period of living in my car for six months wracked my mind in ways that I don't fully understand but I feel it every moment I'm awake.